Sunday, August 11, 2013

Party Time!

Yesterday my eldest, R, turned 19. 19!! Where have the years gone?

Somewhat amusingly I woke at 4:30, and my 1st thought was: he was being born now.

Just strikes me as funny as I'm not really one for Birthdays. Or anniversary's. Or anything really. Dates don't mean much, which I think is a good thing - at least it has served me well, if only because I only remember for a year or two on those dates I would rather forget.

But anyway back to my Birthday Boy. He was happy, he seemed to have a good day.

*I* was exhausted though, I only did a couple of hours at work, and then spent the whole day cleaning and cooking, for his party.

His favorite pressie is a wallet I got him - it has Bad Mother****** stamped on the front (he did ask for it!)

If you haven't seen Pulp Fiction you won't understand the reference, but he loves the movie, and is made up with it. So no matter how irresponsible I felt I was being, getting him a wallet with a curse on the front, he is happy, which is what matters to me.

He also surprised me. He stopped the party mid-way to say thank you, said his parents are 'awesome' - very sweet. And very like my father. So confident. And so very un-like me. But hey ho, it was nice.

And I am actually writing this post about one of his mates, young man called Harry, who came to the party.

This young man appears to have everything. The youngest of 5 children, from extremely wealthy parents - and when I say extremely, I mean... well... beyond what I can imagine, and I know a lot of wealthy people.

My boys go to his house quite a bit - in fact at least 5 days a week, as four of them meet to use his gym. It's better than the one in town, that they have to pay for.

So anyway this lovely young man Harry was at the party - or rather at our house, he didn't really stay with the party people, but instead spent half the evening in P's room with P, playing C.o.D.

But when the boys tired of that, they came out and sat by the fire pit, roasting marshmallows in the dark.

My girls were silly with it, and kept burning either the marshmallows or their mouths, but it was lots of fun and laughter, & dropped marshmallows.

Harry was laughing at them, as he tried to roast his own mallow, and then turned to me and said: I like coming here, it's like being in a family!

I answered before I thought:  But you have a family.

He must have held eye contact for at least 3 seconds before looking away and answering: Yes.

I know most people won't get it. But my heart broke for him in that moment. Because in that pause, I knew. He is living my youth. He wants for nothing, appearing to have the most idyllic life of big houses, lots of holidays, nice cars, nice clothes, not a care in the world - and yet, I feel so sorry for him.

I ask R about Harry's family today, but he didn't know much, said he'd never met any of them. His parents don't spend the summer here. But he said Harry didn't mind that, as they weren't close like our family... - that kinda shut me up, I have never thought about how close we all are, I just am very aware my children go without the things I took for granted as a child, and most of the time I feel bad about that.

But I do tell them - when my mother starts one her lectures about my parenting - she didn't raise me, the army of au-pairs did, and the boarding school I went to at 11 took over, and then I was gone at 16; my mother has no idea what raising kids involves.

And we are lucky, because money sure doesn't buy everything, and we might live in a little house now, and things are often a mess - and that's okay, because I don't have to stress about fancy carpets getting ruined by hoards of teenagers partying ;)

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

An old friend..

There's a girl I went to school with, whom I guess to anyone meeting her, would be seen as a middle aged mom of three. About a decade ago, her husband left her. He was a cad about it, and it hurt her a lot. But then, when does a marriage breakdown not hurt someone?

I guess the difference about this particular breakup was, she never got over it. She stayed so angry. Bumping into her used to be a nightmare, as she never had anything nice or jolly to share, only stories of what a terrible person he was, and how he had done her wrong.

I am ashamed to admit, I started avoiding her. I stopped calling, it was all just too depressing listening to her refusing to to put this man out of her mind and move forward with her life.

I thought about her just a few weeks ago, when I wondered about my own internal struggles. I feel exhausted, but at least I don't feel her anger, mine is more of a hopelessness. But I've always believed these unhappy feelings can't be good for us, it's like poisoning ourselves from the inside. It will all add up, and finish us.

For a lot of this year, I've wanted that. Just to go to sleep and not wake up. But it doesn't work like that.

Today I bumped into my old friend. She had been such a pretty woman, but I saw her and as I smiled, could only think to myself how worn and tired she looked.

I asked if she was well. The answer was no. She has cancer. Started as breast cancer, now it's in her liver, and lymph glands.

Not really a lot you can say when someone says that. I mumbled how sorry I was to hear, which is true. In fact I am brokenhearted. She deserved better. So much better. The girl I went to school with was happy and sweet, her life should have been too. But that girl faded away so long ago.

Life fucks us all. They say 'The good die young', maybe that's because the good can't cope with the pain of living.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Grey Sunday

I can't seem to get warm, and it's driving me bats :/

What I need is a steaming hot bath.... but as it will be weeks before the bathroom is sorted, I can't. And the shower is just not the same.

I have progressed with the Christmas pressies, in fact am probably over doing it now, and I am quite pleased with how everyone will do this year.

One thing that has taken a step back is my story idea for the NaNoWriMo, I kinda let the ideas slip away as other stuff crowded my thoughts and now... it all feels rather weak..arrrrgggghhh!!! Should make notes!!

I also heard from a friend yesterday, asking how I was. I replied, maybe a little too honestly - although at least things are getting more positive. But I haven't heard a thing back from her, so am wondering if I should start fibbing again, and just answer 'fine' in future *sigh*

Also the kids are now on half term break, heaven help me as their bickering is enough to make anyone lose their mind, and it's not like I have enough sanity left to spare.

I used to think the eldest never helped, but in fact his temper is just shorter than mine and he did manage to fend off the worst before I admitted defeat and resorted to shouting at the other three. At least he'll be home next Friday :)

Friday, October 26, 2012

One day at a time...

Yesterday I slipped. And - unusually - I don't mean 'I met the floor with a thump' type of thing.

I mean I slipped mentally.Back I went into my colourless pit, as I smiled through my day pretending I was just peachy. And I woke this morning feeling like the world could go to hell, again.

But I had to go out. Meet someone. And strangely, it really helped. Not going to detail the reasons why he made the difference, and I couldn't explain how as am not even sure, but I drove home cultivating the small glimmer of strength I felt.

And now..... well, for me, this is as good as it gets ('cos let's face it, I am not about to turn into Little Miss Perky!) I feel stronger again, I like feeling that I could say 'Fuck you!' to certain people (and yes, sadly that is how I judge my degree of strength these days, although it does NOT mean I would actually say that - hey, I am still *me*).

And to end on a positive note.... I have managed to sort about 60% of my story idea for NaNoWriMo, and am hoping the rest will formulate over the weekend; ...Christmas pressies have started arriving, so I am feeling downright organised! And I was sorta kissed last night, not what you'd call 'passionately' but more of kiss than I have experienced in a few years.

At this rate, I might be a grown up within a decade or two ^^

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Wishing the months away

I am still wading through bathroom sites. Still trying to think up decent Christmas pressies for the kids. And I still haven't given enough thought to what my story will be about for NaNoWriMo.

In fact starting to fret about the NaNo thing, 'cos I don't like to fail, and am kinda thinking I might not manage it this year :/  But I'll worry about that tomorrow.

Today I am not going to worry about anything, as I finally seem to have let everything go. Well.... that's not really true, I can feel the undercurrents to my thoughts, making me aware of the date, making me think about things I shouldn't.

But I am getting better at directing my thoughts - although considering how I started this post you wouldn't know that! I guess what I mean is, I won't allow myself to dwell upon certain things. Which is downright amazing really. Been trying to do this for months and had no success, but at last it seems to have come to me. Now I just need it to last forever ^^

If I can get through this week without mentally tripping, then NaNo will start, and November will be gone in a blink. Then we're into December, which I bloody hate, but that's a whole different monster and regardless of how I feel about the month, it passes quickly.

Course January and February are hateful months, even in good years, but life changes rapidly sometimes, so maybe by then I will feel more whole and therefore able to cope  :)

Maybe I'll even finish the damn decorating !

Tuesday, October 23, 2012


Horribly busy couple of days! Or more accurately... More busy than I like these days.

On Sunday we had a flood. A good thing I am living in Reeve's room, or it may have taken us weeks to notice that the bath water now drains into there :/

Plumber looked at it yesterday and after many minutes destroying a cupboard, sawing through pipes, and poking things, he's declared our drain is no good (& never was!). Now we could just get the pipes redone, but as he has to pull the bathroom apart to do it, I am thinking I will take this opportunity to change the bathroom suite. Course that's easier said than done on a budget, but hey ho, where's there's a will, there's a way. I hope.

Yesterday was also the start of 'Chic week' at P's new school - when he mentioned it on Saturday I thought he'd said 'sheet week'. And I thought Sheet week was his way of saying 'Shit Week', which left me confused, as not wearing his suit should be considered a treat!

Well it IS considered a treat, and now makes sense...'crept they 're supposed to dress up according to a theme each day. Monday was pirates - at least I think it was, if the youngsters I saw were anything to go by. But P isn't that into pirates these days, so opted for own clothes... mixed with zombie ^^

Today is Superhero Day. P has gone as Superman, thanks to a t-shirt, borrowed red cape (from a 7 year old who lives n the estate), and Jen's red sports shorts over his jeans -sadly the boy refused to allow me photographic evidence that this ever took place.

Talking about 'the boy', my eldest R (whom I traditionally call The Boy) is coming home at half term! I'm actually pleased. I do sorta miss the great lug. That may sound odd, but as much as I love him, we don't always get along too well and so I don't miss him like the BH does.

One thing that will affect is, I will have to move out of his bedroom. Not sure how I feel about that. But hey ho, no point in giving that any thought space until the time comes.

And lastly, being that I'm doing NaNoMoWri in November, I had to get a move on with the Christmas shopping.... Well wow I have impressed myself! Course it's mostly been online, as I can't stand shops and people, but everything should be here within a week or two, so all looks good and I am feeling pleased with myself (almost a strange feeling these days ;))

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Not sure what to make of him...

I don't trust my own judgement, not that it matters, but I am somewhat bemused by a call I got on Friday... but let me start at the beginning.

I ran the School uniform shop, on a voluntary basis for the past 3 years, and gave it up in July. You don't need to know the details, other than part of the job was doing the ordering, and so twice a year I met with a Supplier who came over from the UK.

He's a very nice chap, my age, charming, confident, but always made me feel at ease, tall, slim, nice blue eyes, etc. etc...

Well, when I last saw him in April he knew I had started to look for another mother to take over the job, but nevertheless we made our November appointment. Obviously I warned him, it may not be me who showed up. He then spent several minutes saying how sorry he was that I was giving the job up, and that he would miss our meetings. (Yeah right, 'cos discussing football socks and lengths of summer dresses is riveting stuff!) But it was sweet of him to be kind.

So then, at the end of the summer term, he sent me the usual email confirming our next appointment date. I replied saying that other moms were taking over and I was not sure it would be me he saw. He then came back saying what a shame that would be, and how he hoped I might be there anyway to show them how we do the ordering. I didn't respond back.

To be honest I was glad to get rid of the Uniform shop and have not looked back since others stepped in, as such I have no intention of doing anything more.When I handed over all the books, I stuck a note on that the Supplier had an appointment with them in November.

Then he called me on Friday - little earlier than usual, as he normally calls the week before the meet. When I explained I was no longer involved, instead of asking who he would now be meeting, he went on about how I had been a pleasure to deal with for the past 3 years.

He asked me what I was now doing with my time, if I was working etc, all very nicey nice conversation, then he suggested we meet up anyway. Ummmm... what? Why??

I didn't say that, I mumbled something about having his number and I would see how that week was going, but that he must surely be busy when here. He said he was, but that lunchtimes and evening were his own and he would find the time to get together. I again reiterated that I had his number, and told him he should call the school secretary to find out who he was having the meeting with. I got off the phone as quick as I could.

Now, here's the thing... I don't know what to make of it. To be honest it doesn't really matter what I make of it, as am not interested either way. But I am interested to know if I am being dim.... did he ask me out? A part of me is kinda flattered that he might have, another part of me is horrified that he might have.

Yep, this is how well I know my own mind right now. It just strikes me as odd that he would suggest that, especially as I wouldn't really call him a 'friend'. Is this how people get asked out these days? Or is this just the confusion of a middle aged lonely woman?

Wish I understood people better. Or maybe that would leave me even more confused *sigh*