The understanding
My days seem to be filled with thoughts at the moment.
That may sound odd, as it's not like we don't have thought whilst we get on with the hum drum of daily life, but at present my thoughts are consuming and my actions only the automatic responses to what is needed of me.
I am healing, I am sure of that now. Largely thanks to my friends, both in real life and online (Tammy you're included in that, as one of your comments set off an uncomfortable set of thoughts which at least has brought me some realisation).
I talk to myself in my head a lot, probably too much, for a while this brought only circular arguments and self pity, but slowly I am answering my own questions. Not that I like the answers, but at least I am starting to understand things, and people.
And understanding brings peace, albeit I have to fight the desire to lash out at those I feel have let me down and hurt me so badly.
My argument against that is, it turns I have more strength than even I expected, and they..... have less.
And then the are those who have surprised me. The BH is one. I am hoping he doesn't read here anymore, but obviously he may think to look here again one day. The surprise about him, is that he is a better man than I ever realised. I can't claim things are easy or wonderful at this time, but he is good to me, and has more ammo than anyone else in this world and could take everything from me and destroy me - and yet chooses not to. Would I be as generous in his position? I don't know, which is humbling and probably yet another thing I need at this time.
Today is another 'clear' day - I keep a lot of them now, as I don't mix as well as I used to, and can never be sure whether I will have the strength to face people. I think I would have that strength today, but simply don't want to. I know some think my hermit like days are unhealthy, but I disagree, as I think liking time alone is healthy, and I prefer my own company these days.
So the tv will be on, the computer looked at occasionally, but in truth neither matter, as my day will spent in my head, gaining and shoring up the peace I am striving for :)
posted by Jona at 9:16 am
2 Comments:
I'd be curious as to the comment that set off uncomfortable thoughts and left you with a realization...
It really sounds that the BH loves you and cares for you a great deal...perhaps not in the way that you'd like, or perhaps it is that way, but just expressed differently.
Again, my inexperienced assumptions really don't measure up to the years of experience on the matters of marriage that so many others have. I have often thought of you and your situation over the years while reading your posts and felt overwhelmed for you...as well as felt as though you seemed like a woman who could be doing greater things. However, I often think I could be doing greater things also, and have the time to pursue those 'things', yet I don't.
Who the heck knows what any of the answers are? But, thanks for posting regularly...it seems to have kick started some writing of my own.
"Heal", there is a powerful word and knowing it gives it more strength.
Trust me, spending more time in you head only makes living through your eyes more understandable.
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