Surprises...

I spent some time here this morning, reading old posts. For most of it, I was envious of my old self, as I sounded happy... but then I stumbled upon a post in which I admitted I had broken down in real life.

It surprised me. As I don't recall being 'unhappy' as such, 7 years ago.

I am still utterly confused as to what to do to get out of my current funk, especially as I have been like this for so long now, it's pretty much a way of life. But I do want it to change.

Some changes are obvious to me. The children bring me happiness, so I am trying to be more 'aware' of them and the things happening in their lives (not easy as R is now at University, P has a busy social life and is either out or barricaded in his room, but I still have J and S for a lot of the time - although if I am honest, S can drive me up the wall and around the bend, as we are such different personalities. J is the one who brings me the greatest joy these days, and she is such a kind, sweet person, I feel lucky to know her, doubly so to be her mom).

And some people I need to keep out of my life and mind. Also not easy, as I miss them. But slowly and surely, I am forcing myself to realise they will never be there for me, and that they never really were. Hurts though.

And the BH. I have been making a conscious effort to think about life 25 years ago, how we met, and what it was I feel in love with.... this too brings mixed emotions ;) As he was never a romantic or sharing person, so sometimes I can end up irritated with myself that I let things drift, that should have been faced head on and therefore might maybe have saved all this confusion and hurt 25 years later.

But who knows....

Some of my friends think they know, and in fairness they have known me years, listening and watching me fall into my current mess.

Their verdict is: I expect too much of others.

They don't say it unkindly, and somewhat ironically these are the very people whom I feel I can never repay for their patience and kindness towards me. I definitely could not expect more of them.

They claim I am not 'getting it' though. That we are women (that being the most important point), and we have all been friends for years.

But I don't think it has anything to do with being women *sigh*, I mean I guess maybe years of being full time moms has made us similar, and therefore we can more quickly relate to a fellow moms gripe.

But the male / female divide thing.... bullshit. Some men are simply assholes, end of. And some women are bitches. In between, the rest of us just get misunderstood.

Luckily I don't think the BH is an asshole. And though I have bitchy moments, don't think I will ever be strong enough to be classed as a bitch.

And I think I am now starting to waffle. Still no clearer, still hoping for some amazing solution to my mess.

I do feel calmer though, writing out these thoughts. And I am glad hardly anyone comes here anymore. And that no one who does visit, comments. One day you'll have a fun post to read again.... promise x