How much truth can I handle?

Today I am due to see the Doctor.

I have questions, questions that keep occurring to me that should have been asked weeks ago, or maybe I shouldn't even have to ask, maybe Doctors should offer this stuff up front.

How much of a chance do I really have to beat this?

And I don't want to hear about 'stats suggest' as that is bollocks; I want to know about my chances, with my cancer.

They told me upfront that the chemo is contributing a 7% increase of success, adding that if the chemo was too much, we could scale it back. At the time I felt that 7% was too much to dismiss, but that was before I knew what was coming. I'm still doing my chemo, but the stuff I am on is strong, and a bitch to deal with.

I need some reassurance that this is all worth it. I can't eat now, swallowing hurts a lot, and even talking is not a lot of fun.

I have friends who would argue that of course this is all worth it, and maybe once upon a time I would have too, before I understood the price.

Now, I do realise chances are I may as well carry on at this point, after all the majority of the pain I have to go through has been inflicted. At least I truly hope to god I am right. I only have 3 weeks and 3 days left.

18 shots of radiotherapy, and 4 chemo sessions, and then I can go home. Unless the odds are very poor, it's worth doing.

But then home.... I have already been told that the 1st 3 weeks backs will be hell. Great. Then I will slowly start to heal.

But with all this healing comes the knowledge that it may not have worked. Some people go through this shit several times. And that is not something I can do.

I don't want to die, but when this all started my approach was considerably more graceful about how I would approach my end.

Whether I have 1 more week of my life, or 30 years, I wanted greet my end with calm. And if in pain, hopefully a lot of drugs too ;)

But all these things they have done to me: tonsillectomy,  teeth removed, peg fitted, radio & chemo therapy, may look like such a little list, but a list that takes many months and huge pain to get through.

And I need to know, for what? Is it adding 1 year to my life, but taking over 6 months? If it doesn't work, will that mean I have gifted away 6 months of my life for nothing? If my odds are good, and they are hoping that with all this  will get 30 years, yes that would give me some strength, but I have some doubts my odds are that good.

Right now it feels like the cure is killing me. I honestly don't feel like I will ever get better again. And that scares me so badly. Never to enjoy a cup of tea and a biscuit again, never to paint another ceiling, never to have the strength to yell at the kids for not bringing their laundry down. Never to go on all those holidays to places I figured I would one day visit

I hope I am wrong. I hope that a couple of posts up I will suddenly add a post entitled '3 years later' and will open with an apology for not updating this blog because I was having too much of a good life!

None of know what tomorrow will bring, and I accept that, but most people can count of being able to eat a meal if it is offered, and that's now gone for me. I am truly struggling to look forward to tomorrow.

I can't even cry about it as my throat constricts and that pain is excruciating, can't afford to get too upset. Let's hope today makes me smile more than weep, although can't smile wide as my lips are getting sensitive too....