Sunday, October 28, 2012

Grey Sunday

I can't seem to get warm, and it's driving me bats :/

What I need is a steaming hot bath.... but as it will be weeks before the bathroom is sorted, I can't. And the shower is just not the same.

I have progressed with the Christmas pressies, in fact am probably over doing it now, and I am quite pleased with how everyone will do this year.

One thing that has taken a step back is my story idea for the NaNoWriMo, I kinda let the ideas slip away as other stuff crowded my thoughts and now... it all feels rather weak..arrrrgggghhh!!! Should make notes!!

I also heard from a friend yesterday, asking how I was. I replied, maybe a little too honestly - although at least things are getting more positive. But I haven't heard a thing back from her, so am wondering if I should start fibbing again, and just answer 'fine' in future *sigh*

Also the kids are now on half term break, heaven help me as their bickering is enough to make anyone lose their mind, and it's not like I have enough sanity left to spare.

I used to think the eldest never helped, but in fact his temper is just shorter than mine and he did manage to fend off the worst before I admitted defeat and resorted to shouting at the other three. At least he'll be home next Friday :)


Friday, October 26, 2012

One day at a time...

Yesterday I slipped. And - unusually - I don't mean 'I met the floor with a thump' type of thing.

I mean I slipped mentally.Back I went into my colourless pit, as I smiled through my day pretending I was just peachy. And I woke this morning feeling like the world could go to hell, again.

But I had to go out. Meet someone. And strangely, it really helped. Not going to detail the reasons why he made the difference, and I couldn't explain how as am not even sure, but I drove home cultivating the small glimmer of strength I felt.

And now..... well, for me, this is as good as it gets ('cos let's face it, I am not about to turn into Little Miss Perky!) I feel stronger again, I like feeling that I could say 'Fuck you!' to certain people (and yes, sadly that is how I judge my degree of strength these days, although it does NOT mean I would actually say that - hey, I am still *me*).

And to end on a positive note.... I have managed to sort about 60% of my story idea for NaNoWriMo, and am hoping the rest will formulate over the weekend; ...Christmas pressies have started arriving, so I am feeling downright organised! And I was sorta kissed last night, not what you'd call 'passionately' but more of kiss than I have experienced in a few years.

At this rate, I might be a grown up within a decade or two ^^


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Wishing the months away

I am still wading through bathroom sites. Still trying to think up decent Christmas pressies for the kids. And I still haven't given enough thought to what my story will be about for NaNoWriMo.

In fact starting to fret about the NaNo thing, 'cos I don't like to fail, and am kinda thinking I might not manage it this year :/  But I'll worry about that tomorrow.

Today I am not going to worry about anything, as I finally seem to have let everything go. Well.... that's not really true, I can feel the undercurrents to my thoughts, making me aware of the date, making me think about things I shouldn't.

But I am getting better at directing my thoughts - although considering how I started this post you wouldn't know that! I guess what I mean is, I won't allow myself to dwell upon certain things. Which is downright amazing really. Been trying to do this for months and had no success, but at last it seems to have come to me. Now I just need it to last forever ^^

If I can get through this week without mentally tripping, then NaNo will start, and November will be gone in a blink. Then we're into December, which I bloody hate, but that's a whole different monster and regardless of how I feel about the month, it passes quickly.

Course January and February are hateful months, even in good years, but life changes rapidly sometimes, so maybe by then I will feel more whole and therefore able to cope  :)

Maybe I'll even finish the damn decorating !

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

*Sigh*

Horribly busy couple of days! Or more accurately... More busy than I like these days.

On Sunday we had a flood. A good thing I am living in Reeve's room, or it may have taken us weeks to notice that the bath water now drains into there :/

Plumber looked at it yesterday and after many minutes destroying a cupboard, sawing through pipes, and poking things, he's declared our drain is no good (& never was!). Now we could just get the pipes redone, but as he has to pull the bathroom apart to do it, I am thinking I will take this opportunity to change the bathroom suite. Course that's easier said than done on a budget, but hey ho, where's there's a will, there's a way. I hope.

Yesterday was also the start of 'Chic week' at P's new school - when he mentioned it on Saturday I thought he'd said 'sheet week'. And I thought Sheet week was his way of saying 'Shit Week', which left me confused, as not wearing his suit should be considered a treat!

Well it IS considered a treat, and now makes sense...'crept they 're supposed to dress up according to a theme each day. Monday was pirates - at least I think it was, if the youngsters I saw were anything to go by. But P isn't that into pirates these days, so opted for own clothes... mixed with zombie ^^

Today is Superhero Day. P has gone as Superman, thanks to a t-shirt, borrowed red cape (from a 7 year old who lives n the estate), and Jen's red sports shorts over his jeans -sadly the boy refused to allow me photographic evidence that this ever took place.

Talking about 'the boy', my eldest R (whom I traditionally call The Boy) is coming home at half term! I'm actually pleased. I do sorta miss the great lug. That may sound odd, but as much as I love him, we don't always get along too well and so I don't miss him like the BH does.

One thing that will affect is, I will have to move out of his bedroom. Not sure how I feel about that. But hey ho, no point in giving that any thought space until the time comes.

And lastly, being that I'm doing NaNoMoWri in November, I had to get a move on with the Christmas shopping.... Well wow I have impressed myself! Course it's mostly been online, as I can't stand shops and people, but everything should be here within a week or two, so all looks good and I am feeling pleased with myself (almost a strange feeling these days ;))






Sunday, October 21, 2012

Not sure what to make of him...

I don't trust my own judgement, not that it matters, but I am somewhat bemused by a call I got on Friday... but let me start at the beginning.

I ran the School uniform shop, on a voluntary basis for the past 3 years, and gave it up in July. You don't need to know the details, other than part of the job was doing the ordering, and so twice a year I met with a Supplier who came over from the UK.

He's a very nice chap, my age, charming, confident, but always made me feel at ease, tall, slim, nice blue eyes, etc. etc...

Well, when I last saw him in April he knew I had started to look for another mother to take over the job, but nevertheless we made our November appointment. Obviously I warned him, it may not be me who showed up. He then spent several minutes saying how sorry he was that I was giving the job up, and that he would miss our meetings. (Yeah right, 'cos discussing football socks and lengths of summer dresses is riveting stuff!) But it was sweet of him to be kind.

So then, at the end of the summer term, he sent me the usual email confirming our next appointment date. I replied saying that other moms were taking over and I was not sure it would be me he saw. He then came back saying what a shame that would be, and how he hoped I might be there anyway to show them how we do the ordering. I didn't respond back.

To be honest I was glad to get rid of the Uniform shop and have not looked back since others stepped in, as such I have no intention of doing anything more.When I handed over all the books, I stuck a note on that the Supplier had an appointment with them in November.

Then he called me on Friday - little earlier than usual, as he normally calls the week before the meet. When I explained I was no longer involved, instead of asking who he would now be meeting, he went on about how I had been a pleasure to deal with for the past 3 years.

He asked me what I was now doing with my time, if I was working etc, all very nicey nice conversation, then he suggested we meet up anyway. Ummmm... what? Why??

I didn't say that, I mumbled something about having his number and I would see how that week was going, but that he must surely be busy when here. He said he was, but that lunchtimes and evening were his own and he would find the time to get together. I again reiterated that I had his number, and told him he should call the school secretary to find out who he was having the meeting with. I got off the phone as quick as I could.

Now, here's the thing... I don't know what to make of it. To be honest it doesn't really matter what I make of it, as am not interested either way. But I am interested to know if I am being dim.... did he ask me out? A part of me is kinda flattered that he might have, another part of me is horrified that he might have.

Yep, this is how well I know my own mind right now. It just strikes me as odd that he would suggest that, especially as I wouldn't really call him a 'friend'. Is this how people get asked out these days? Or is this just the confusion of a middle aged lonely woman?

Wish I understood people better. Or maybe that would leave me even more confused *sigh*

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Making Decisions

I am trying to stay away from FB, at least for now.

I still like it, and think it's the handiest way to stay in touch with people, but I find it too hard to deal with just now. Only a couple of those who followed the link and found this place might understand that. And not all my FB friends can see the link ;)

Sorry if that leaves you confused. But I can't really say more, as it's complicated and too big an issue to explain. But I know that I have to start doing 'smart' things for myself, and the biggest smart thing I can do is leave the past where it belongs. Of course it's ironic that I had this place long before I used FB, but I never shared this place, and doubt anyone would think to look for it now.

My strength is surprising me, but I need to watch my anger flashes as they burst upon me unexpectedly and I fear my foolishness at these times.

I have also found that the biggest thing I need to work, is forgiving myself. I can forgive others their failings, make excuses why some behave and treat others badly, but I betrayed myself. And that seems unforgivable right now.

But anyway... onward and upward!

I have decided (and already registered) to do the NaNoWriMo in November! I am really excited, and somewhat nervous..... I did complete it in both 2005 and 2006, but haven't written seriously for several years now *gulp*

But I do remember the sense of accomplishment I felt each time, and that's worth having again. But I also recall the time it took to manage it - I sure as heck won't have the time to dwell inside my own head during November if I give this a good shot. In fact won't have time for much other than writing!

 So, I'd better get organised! Am starting today, as I have to take P into town for new trainers (some may remember what that boy is like with shoes - and age hasn't improved him!), I will also start the Christmas shopping!!

Friday, October 19, 2012

The understanding

My days seem to be filled with thoughts at the moment.

That may sound odd, as it's not like we don't have thought whilst we get on with the hum drum of daily life, but at present my thoughts are consuming and my actions only the automatic responses to what is needed of me.

 I am healing, I am sure of that now. Largely thanks to my friends, both in real life and online (Tammy you're included in that, as one of your comments set off an uncomfortable set of thoughts which at least has brought me some realisation).

I talk to myself in my head a lot, probably too much, for a while this brought only circular arguments and self pity, but slowly I am answering my own questions. Not that I like the answers, but at least I am starting to understand things, and people.

And understanding brings peace, albeit I have to fight the desire to lash out at those I feel have let me down and hurt me so badly.

My argument against that is, it turns I have more strength than even I expected, and they..... have less.

And then the are those who have surprised me. The BH is one. I am hoping he doesn't read here anymore, but obviously he may think to look here again one day. The surprise about him, is that he is a better man than I ever realised. I can't claim things are easy or wonderful at this time, but he is good to me, and has more ammo than anyone else in this world and could take everything from me and destroy me - and yet chooses not to. Would I be as generous in his position? I don't know, which is humbling and probably yet another thing I need at this time.

Today is another 'clear' day - I keep a lot of them now, as I don't mix as well as I used to, and can never be sure whether I will have the strength to face people. I think I would have that strength today, but simply don't want to. I know some think my hermit like days are unhealthy, but I disagree, as I think liking time alone is healthy, and I prefer my own company these days.

So the tv will be on, the computer looked at occasionally, but in truth neither matter, as my day will spent in my head, gaining and shoring up the peace I am striving for :)

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Little thing...

I feel more positive today, or at least less negative - which is a big step forward!

And my day was made better by a stranger. He really didn't do much, and it only took 3 seconds for him to step off the pavement and move the traffic bollard which was in front of my car, but his act of thoughtfulness (to help me pull the car out) meant so much to me.

I guess I have been living in a bubble lately, I don't venture out more than I have to, and I've sort of lost faith in people as a whole - but the fact this stranger did something for me, with nothing to gain, has really made my day.

I gave him a big smile and mouthed 'thank you'

And yes, I probably do need to get out more ;)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Another weekend in paradise

This weekend has been interesting, and calm too. Makes a nice change.

Things feel easier between me and the BH, although I still have no idea how that will end up, but it makes living in the same house less stressful.

Also spoke to R last night - he was starting to worry us, as we hadn't heard from him for 10 days, but he's good and enjoying Uni life. What's really sweet is, he's missing us and is looking forward to coming home for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it too - though I will have to move out of his room then. Hey ho, maybe other decisions will be firmer by then anyway, and life will have a plan with some direction.

I am worried about J ( she's the only child who knows what's going on, as she overheard) I do try to talk to her in quieter moments, and I would say reassure her, but I think it's her who reassures me with her hugs and whispers that 'everything will be okay mommy'.

Not too amused with P this weekend, as he's going out too much (can you believe it??!) I don't want to cramp his social life, but every weekend he's stopping out somewhere and we don't know his new friends, and I just don't think that's right when he's only 14. We were also told by R that P had deleted him off Facebook, so when he arrived home today I told him : less going out, and he had to add his big brother again or lose fb. Course knowing P he will alter his settings so that R can't see certain posts *sigh* . Only upside to Ps busy social life is, threatening to ground him now has effect!

And S... has buzzed about with her usual flamboyance with a noise level to match, making the place untidy, and eating endlessly!

As the weekend draws to a close, I feel stronger. I might not know what I want, but what I don't want is definitely becoming clearer. I take that as a positive :)

Ahh the joy of family life, roll on Monday ;)

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Surprises...

I spent some time here this morning, reading old posts. For most of it, I was envious of my old self, as I sounded happy... but then I stumbled upon a post in which I admitted I had broken down in real life.

It surprised me. As I don't recall being 'unhappy' as such, 7 years ago.

I am still utterly confused as to what to do to get out of my current funk, especially as I have been like this for so long now, it's pretty much a way of life. But I do want it to change.

Some changes are obvious to me. The children bring me happiness, so I am trying to be more 'aware' of them and the things happening in their lives (not easy as R is now at University, P has a busy social life and is either out or barricaded in his room, but I still have J and S for a lot of the time - although if I am honest, S can drive me up the wall and around the bend, as we are such different personalities. J is the one who brings me the greatest joy these days, and she is such a kind, sweet person, I feel lucky to know her, doubly so to be her mom).

And some people I need to keep out of my life and mind. Also not easy, as I miss them. But slowly and surely, I am forcing myself to realise they will never be there for me, and that they never really were. Hurts though.

And the BH. I have been making a conscious effort to think about life 25 years ago, how we met, and what it was I feel in love with.... this too brings mixed emotions ;) As he was never a romantic or sharing person, so sometimes I can end up irritated with myself that I let things drift, that should have been faced head on and therefore might maybe have saved all this confusion and hurt 25 years later.

But who knows....

Some of my friends think they know, and in fairness they have known me years, listening and watching me fall into my current mess.

Their verdict is: I expect too much of others.

They don't say it unkindly, and somewhat ironically these are the very people whom I feel I can never repay for their patience and kindness towards me. I definitely could not expect more of them.

They claim I am not 'getting it' though. That we are women (that being the most important point), and we have all been friends for years.

But I don't think it has anything to do with being women *sigh*, I mean I guess maybe years of being full time moms has made us similar, and therefore we can more quickly relate to a fellow moms gripe.

But the male / female divide thing.... bullshit. Some men are simply assholes, end of. And some women are bitches. In between, the rest of us just get misunderstood.

Luckily I don't think the BH is an asshole. And though I have bitchy moments, don't think I will ever be strong enough to be classed as a bitch.

And I think I am now starting to waffle. Still no clearer, still hoping for some amazing solution to my mess.

I do feel calmer though, writing out these thoughts. And I am glad hardly anyone comes here anymore. And that no one who does visit, comments. One day you'll have a fun post to read again.... promise x





Friday, October 12, 2012

the slow changes...

Today has been - yet another - stressful day. The BH has taken today and Monday off, to talk, to try and sort out what we are doing and how will do it. Even after hours of talking, I am not sure where we are. I am not sure how well we understand each other anymore.

I will say, I still like the BH. There is a lot to respect about him. And even when we are dissecting our marriage and trying to decide a future, he always treats me with complete respect and never resorts to snide or cheap comments. I know everyone should be like that ideally, but I also know few are.

I am not sure I could ever find that quality in another after so much has gone wrong between us.

Over and over I wonder if I am being naive in what I want from a marriage. When I married the BH 20 years ago, I was soooo in love with him, it was my dream come true, even though we'd been dating 5 years by then. But at some point I realised he may love me, but... I was really just one of several options. A calculated choice. Albeit the best one on offer at that time.

 I want to be more than that. I want to be someone's *everything* and I want them to be mine.

Course the problem now comes, that I don't know if it will ever be possible for me to fall in love with the BH again, as it's been so long since I felt like that. And whether he will ever be able to feel that way towards me if he hasn't already.

Another thing that plays on my mind is my fear, of being alone. I am a coward, who's middle aged, and tired of life - hardly a very attractive prospect. So if we try yet again, will I be trying for the right reasons?

And no one has ever loved me for being me, 'cept my kids, and so maybe the real me is unlovable. Which leads all the way back to.... will I ever find what it is I think I need? Or am I being a fool, and should simply be grateful for what I have?

Actually even I know the answer to that, and have tried. I can't do it; I mean I can for a few days, fake it for the people around me, but I can't keep it up. And I pay for it with bouts of self hatred and loathing of life that consume me.

I realise someone might read this and imagine I am suffering from depression. I can assure you, I am not. I am simply unhappy, there is a difference. In fact I have been to 3 Drs, who have all told me the same thing - I am too rational for depression, and having a reason for my unhappiness means happy pills won't have the desired happy effect. (That didn't stop one Dr from giving them to me, but they made things too clear. And when I saw the 2nd Dr and told him my thoughts, he advised I get off pills immediately. For which I am glad, as I have never liked myself on them.)

 One 'amusing' thing did occur to me tonight though... 10 years ago I wrote a book, a very long drawn out thing, that took nearly two years to write, and only I have read. It's about a woman looking for the same thing, but set in the future, where marriage and love are two separate entities, and therefore even harder to find for a foolish romantic like her.

When I wrote that book, I was happy. The story set up was almost 'alien' to me. But now I am wondering.... maybe I felt what was coming? Or maybe, I loved her character so much, I have adopted her foolishness?

ummm... funny thoughts to keep my mind busy I guess... 'cos I don't have enough crap in it already!


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Starting over....

I removed this blog for a while, as I kinda figured my posts had become too personal - having always used this place as a sort of diary, and I think I posted too many of my private thoughts. Not that I posted a lot ;)

Now, I have simply made the private posts 'drafts' available just for me, although this post is kinda private too, a sort of explanation, yet again more to myself than anyone reading. But if anyone does still read here, they too may wonder where the chirpy housewife went...... and the answer is : Hell.

All my problems began with this blog. I know that because last weekend whilst the BH and I waded through what conversations we can manage on our way to separation , we talked honestly about how we felt about the mistakes each of us had made.

Now I still feel I was entitled to my own space, to do my own thing, and that choosing to do so was not a reflection of how I felt about him, just that I had spent so many years being nothing but a wife and mother, I needed my own place.

He felt otherwise.

And even after discussing it at length, the only thing we can agree on, is that this blog was the start of the end of our marriage. Me for keeping it from him. Him for spying on me and finding it.

Strangely it wasn't until I had almost entirely stopped posting that *I* started to go catastrophically wrong. Maybe it was because I had become so used to typing my thoughts and feelings out, that when I stopped, they all sat inside me, waiting to cause the inevitable implosion.

And wow did that implosion come. The decisions and choices I have made over the past 3 years have been appalling and done nothing but cause my own misery.

But even knowing that, I am not yet able to make anything right. Yet.

The only positive thing I have to say today is, it turns out people I had given up on, really do love me, and some I thought cared for me, definitely don't. And just being able to tell the difference is a worthwhile thing. At least I keep telling myself that.

I have no idea how to make my life right from this point, how to heal, and am still struggling to find the desire to even try to.

But at least I know I can face tomorrow. Which is a new start ;)