Thursday, August 31, 2006

Here I am!

So. I’ve been thinking. Do I really want to do this any more? I’ve been wondering about this for several months, as may be apparent from my lack of posts and poor attendance at your places. You see, time’s become a little short. Not that it wasn’t before, but there is always so much to do, and I want to do lots more too.

Anyways, that’s one of the things I’ve been mulling over. Along with getting another job, finishing my house-from-hell, sorting the garden, writing another book, doing another Open University course, and training the damn dog. And what I decided was: the house and garden aren’t going anywhere, I may not be able to get another job unless it fits perfectly into my life (as I’m not giving up my present ones as I love ‘em!!) the OU isn't an option until I have cash to spare (along with a greater direction) I’ll write the book in November when I do Nano Write, and the damn dog… well, at the moment he seems to be having more success training us!

And I’m feeling better. And I mean really better. I still get moments when I want to vanish into thin air, but they’re short, plus I don’t know many people who don’t feel like this sometimes. And I don't believe the others.

So life is good. Not exactly full of any great meaning or excitement, but who needs meaning and excitement when you’ve got a four year old who hugs her arms tight around your neck and tells you how much they love you every day?

And that cute little four year old is off to big school in ten days! In fact I know I must be happier again, as I’m getting a very occasional pang about it. It’s been twelve years since I had entire days to myself, no children demanding a treat/juice/lunch just as I answer the phone, or asking me to wipe their bottom as the doorbell rings, or begging for a wee the minute we park in town, or throwing a hissy fit whenever I’m in a hurry. Umm, wonder if they’ll conspire and make up for it at weekends? Actually I’ve noticed that the more time I spend away from the kids, the more these things eat at me when I’m with them. Though I’m NOT suggesting I’d cope better if I never left my little darlings sides! No. I just think that we all have a premium time in our lives for coping with this crap enjoying these times, and I’m past it.

And that makes me sad. Not that my little darlings are growing beyond their babyhoods (don't be silly!) just that I’m getting old. Which I already knew, but knowing something doesn’t mean you have to like it.

Earlier today I got invited to a girls night out, I mention this because it’s another reinforcement of my age. My friend Cass was doing the inviting, and it’s with a group of ladies whom I know a couple of. But one of them is still a party animal – though in fairness she wasn’t as a teenager as she was too busy being married, but since the husband left she’s been making up for lost time. I immediately asked if it was going to be a late one, and Cass laughed that she’d already told the others I wouldn’t accept.

But hang on a minute! Why the bloody hell not?! Those were my thoughts, just before imaging the noisy busy pub and club scene, along with standing at a taxi rank at two in the morning wishing I was wearing jeans instead of a stupid dress and heals, and then getting woken by a tribe of monsters little darlings too early the following morning.

So I said I’d think about it. And have now decided I think I’d rather stay in. Shit I’m getting old! Going out with Cass was always a blast in our younger days, but back then I wouldn’t have considered a book good company for the evening. AND I didn’t have the internet back then either, and I’m rather fond of that too! Umm, I’m sure I would have preferred the internet if it’d been around. Now I’m sounding old as well as feeling it, right?

Might be best if I drop this train of thought and get back to the post.

What was it about?

And that’s kind of the thing, I’m no longer writing posts about stuff. Days out and the like. Now I just waffle. And this has to stop. Along with a bit more dedication. Because I’ve decided I like you all, and this place, too much to fade away or delete. Not that I have any actual post written for today, this is just aother waffle, but hopefully one of the last!

And waffles aren’t so bad, some of you do them too (though maybe not as often ;o))

But I shall try to end this by hopefully providing you with a groan and eye roll giggle. I joined Hot or Not! I could provide a link to my picture and beg you all to vote me a ten (and thus make me feel less old!!) But I’m not going to as I realise there is a limit to our friendship. But I’m also in the Meet me section and figure those of you who know me well might be able to find me with some keywords – and if you do, and you’re on there too – match me!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Ten to the dozen

That’d my mood by the way. Not enough time for anything! Having said that, how does ten to the dozen make any sense? Should mean you are slower than usual, surely? Umm, anyway back to my point (not that I really have one), I feel busy.

In truth things are going slow, not too many commitments or happenings, and yet I manage to fill the time to the point where I feel rushed. One of the things I’m doing is a touch typing course. Again. And bloody hell is it hard to break bad habits! What’s always floored me in the past is that my bad habits are a darn site quicker than trying to be good, and I run out of patience. This time is no exception. And this post is taking an eternity to write!

Then again I do get a thrill from the thought of eventually speeding beyond what I’ve ever been capable of… I just have to stick it out… aggghhh, it hurts!!!

Apart from that, my main pastime has been reading. I’ve been busy devouring three different series over the past two weeks (which I don’t recommend, as things can get confusing!), and I’m now down to two of one series, one of another, and twenty pages of the last (which I’m drawing out on purpose, and shall finish off after I’d had my bath tonight, ummm can’t wait!)

So I’ve turned into a crap blogger, ignoring everyone (not just you, but pesky family members too), so I can stick my nose in a book and dream. Can’t even claim it’s high-brow stuff either ;o)

Meanwhile the holiday’s move on. Wish they didn’t have to end. Wish I could get the damn ‘i’ key right too, such is life…

Will be back when I can type quicker and without so many errors (I’ve corrected them now!!)

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The ups with the downs

I woke up early today. Which may not sound too unusual, but it is, as for the past few days I’ve been going to bed so late, I can’t help but sleep until at least 7! But this morning I had a nightmare, and woke up early. In tears, and feeling wretched.

Many hours later, when I awoke the BH with a cup of tea and climbed back into bed for our cuddle, he asked what he’d done wrong (he knows 9 out of 10 of my nightmares are because he’s a cad in my dreams!). After telling him, instead of reassuring me with sweet words, he asked if his floozy had been good looking. Hmmph, he’s turning into a cad in life too!

Not all men are making me insecure though. My boss Tom, is fast turning into my personal gallant. When I started working for him I worried I wouldn’t be as good as his other secretaries (though maybe the fact they worked out the wages manually should have hinted they weren’t as hot as I’d worried). Tom’s often said I’m doing well, but this morning he made me feel great – without even saying anything especially nice! He’s starting something new, and instead of asking if I’m up to designing the company logo, sorting the paperwork to form the company, and creating a website, he simply told me what he was after. I know it sounds daft that I’m so pleased, but I often feel I have to persuade people of what I’m capable of, and because of the way he did it I know he has faith I can do anything! Except… I can’t get the domain name he wants, it’s gone already, ho-hum and fiddle-sticks but hardly my fault.

And seeing as I was busy at work for several hours this morning, that left the BH home alone with his boundless energy. I arrived home to find the office empty and a new wooden floor laid, wow I need to go out more often! Of course the kitchen was overflowing with office stuff, making lunch rather solitary as we each ate behind a box or two.

Unfortunately nothing got done this afternoon, as the weather is worse than ever. Did I mention our summer finished some weeks ago? Definitely feels like our seasons are arriving earlier this year, and that’s not me talking, that’s our Beech Tree already dropping its nuts. (Umm sounds almost dirty! Sorry, my mind, not yours I’m sure ;o))

Anyway back to the point in hand, guilt. The days are sweeping by and the children are sitting around too much, but as the BH says, the rain is washing the guilt away nicely.

Hopefully my tomatoes will ripen before Christmas arrives, which reminds me I must start thinking about presents – you know how time flies…!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Changing habits

I think I’m at a better place. For me that is. As far as friends, children and responsibilities go, I’ve become a truly lazy mare.

I’m motivated to do next to nothing, and so I sit and read a lot of the time, which happens to be costing a fortune as our library doesn’t carry the books I want - but don’t ask what they are – I’m too embarrassed to admit anything more than there are plenty of Vikings and Highlanders involved!

Oh and Craiglist. Have you heard of it? Apparently very well known although I didn’t discover it until last week. Read ‘The Best of’ if you’re after a giggle or two, though I’ll warn, it is somewhat addictive!

So apart from reading, I’ve been up to… not a lot. R had his 12th birthday, but had a better offer elsewhere so spent it at a friends, though he did get to come home the following day and enjoy his birthday all over again.

And the BH is now on holiday. From work, not us. Being the opposite to me, he’s itching to get on with things, though I’m quickly managing to subdue his energy burst. He also shaved off his beard. Last time he dared to, I threw a hissy fit and refused to kiss him until it grew back. But that was over a decade ago, and this time I’m instead making the most of his clean shave. Whilst it lasts. Which I don’t think it will. The kids, bless their little hearts, didn’t even notice. And I have to admit it took me half an hour to work out what was different, but I was reading and the lighting was dim (that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!)

I was also supposed to see the doctor last week to get more happy pills. Unfortunately I didn’t want the kids in tow, and so waited so long, she’d gone on her hols and I couldn’t get an appointment. Instead I had to ask my regular Doctor (the dishy Dr. B) for a repeat prescription, which has led to a summons. I’m going on Friday and am geared up for a lecture, as I know, he knows, I know, he wouldn’t have been so quick to let me take them. Or maybe he’ll surprise me.

The bonus of this post, is that I got tagged by Daisy. Bonus, because I may not have posted otherwise (lucky you!). Only downside is it’s one that gives away more detail than I’d like, so instead of using my real names, I’m using previous ones I’ve used. Because yes, I’ve had a few, and though some of you may think you know how and why, I can guarantee there's more you don't know! Irritatingly my 'other' names haven’t made my answers any more amusing, ho-hum.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name)

Cindy Vaux

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy)

Shelly Snicker

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)


4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)

Terracotta Dog

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)

Michelle Selaw

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 2 letters of mom's maiden name and first 3 letters of the town you grew up in.)

Carjo Hasto

7. Terrorist Name: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards).

Ellehcim Reprah

8. SUPERHERO NAME: (your favorite color, favorite drink)

Terracotta Tea

And, as usual, you're ALL tagged ;o)

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Don’t like the sound of this

Okay this is a woman’s post, so would the men please leave?

Come on, I mean it men, GET OUT! After all, I only do this once or twice a year, so heed my words and come back another day. Please.

For those that are left, damn google and all the bloody information you can get at four thirty in the morning!

I woke up about an hour ago, in pain. You know the feeling, the sudden wonder of why you’re awake shortly followed by cramps letting you know you’ve got to get out of bed and do something about it.

Well I wouldn’t bloody mind, but seeing as it’s only twenty-one days since this last happened, I feel cheated! I like sex dammit, but not messy sex (in that sense!) and I’m supposed to be swimming tomorrow, which I know I could still do – if I was brave, but I’m not.

And this is the third time in four months this has happened, except…it isn’t FOUR months, is it?!

So, being that I’m getting a tad tired with this crappy body, and being that google can tell you anything at a drop of a hat, even at four-thirty in the bloody morning, I googled and guess what? I’m getting old!

This is scary shit, the page I found lists the symptoms of perimenopause – which I had never heard of, but apparently is the first phase of your body gearing up for the menopause. And guess what those symptoms are: shortening/lengthening of monthly cycle, sleeping problems, depression, and heart palpitations.

Sound familiar?! TOO BLOODY FAMILIAR!!

And that’s only the bloody start! In the long run I can also expect vaginal and bladder problems, loss of libido, body and skin changes (translating to I’m going to get fat around my middle while the skin gets thinner and sags) cholesterol problems which can lead to heart disease, with osteoporosis to possibly follow!

Oh joy. Isn’t it great being a grown up?

On the upside, it may mean I’m not as barmy as previously thought. Having said that, my doctor supposedly checked (however they do) for this last year and came back negative. But I guess maybe some people start getting the symptoms before blood tests reveal everything.

Of course I realise all of you reading also the face the same fate (if there are any men here, GET OUT!!!), and maybe I should consider myself lucky as my birth mother was only thirty-one when this happened to her.

But bugger that, I bloody refuse to feel grateful! I’m only thirty-seven, or is that thirty-eight (? Shit, I can’t even remember how old I am, and I can’t be bothered to work it out either! Tim, how old are we?)

Shit, I’m not in a good mood. I don’t want to be old. I don’t want to be on stupid tablets either, and it’s bloody humiliating to admit they work. I’ve been so much better this past week – with the exception of Monday, but I forgot my tablet on Saturday, so figure it was just a slight deserved dip. Or my hormones gearing up for the period. Damn.

Age sucks.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

A different day

It's nearly six in the evening, the children still aren’t fed (though thankfully the BH is seeing to it), the air is warm and the sun still shines, the dog’s hoping for a walk, and I can hear the neighbours kids screaming their heads off. The door is closed and the loudest noise is the tapping of the keys, though the computers always hum, saucepans clatter dully in the kitchen, and the odd bird chirps annoyingly.

I’m relaxed. Mellow even. Wow, it’s been a while since I felt like this. Weird too, as I have several things I should have got done, and I’d expect to feel a nugget of guilt for the decadence.

Today, though unplanned, became a day for me. The night before last I only got four hours sleep, so I was tired last night. Nevertheless I didn’t go to bed until nearly two this morning, so I should be tired today. But I’m not as I finally managed to sleep. Mostly. I still awoke around five but managed to convince myself there was nothing I had to get up and do. So I went back to sleep and didn’t get up until eleven. Kind of like two nights sleep in one.

But I wasn’t much amused with myself when the day began. Days starting so late tend to come with a foggy head, which I’m still fighting now. In fact, I know I said I don’t feel tired, but it is sort of like drowsiness.

(Yikes the fire alarm just went off, which I guess means the kids dinner will soon be ready.

I’m not having dinner because I’m not hungry. Not very thoughtful of me really as the BH was just starting to cook dinner when I came home an hour ago, but after explaining I’d just eaten, he stopped in his tracks and is now doing a quick meal for the kids.

I’ve been out with my mate Cass. I’d forgotten we agree to meet today, as it was one of those bright ideas of sheer luxury you dream up weeks in advance, and never actually do. But she mailed me on Thursday to ask if I could still meet her for a coffee in town. Though we do do this on occasion, it’s usually between taxiing the kids about and ends as a hurried garbled twenty minute affair.

But not today. Today there was nothing I had to do. Luxury.

We went to a nightclub which has a roof terrace open in the day, and drank hot chocolate whilst paying ridiculous prices. Then we wandered around town and ended up buying make-up together like we used to when we were teenagers. Did you know they have waterproof eyeliner now?

Shopped out, we found another café and had to sit al-fresco because they won’t let you smoke inside. I also had to make sure I had my back to the road in case anyone I knew drove by, especially my parents as they’d kill me if they knew I smoked. I’m grinning as that’s like old times too.

You meet interesting people when there’re only three tables and a dozen smokers. Camaraderie due to our filthy habit. We sat with a sort of biker-come-goth group. The girl next to us and boyfriend across the table had just got engaged and were busying planning a Pagan wedding for the 5th November (didn’t discover what Bonfire Night has to do with Paganism…). It was almost sweet that they were also planning to get matching foetus tattoos in two months as well. At least I think she said foetus, I asked twice but couldn’t ask again as I didn’t want to look ignorant in case it’s some kind of style or pop group.

They have to wait two months because you have to be sixteen on our sister isle to get tattoos done, and they have to go to our sister isle because you have to be eighteen here. That goes for piercing too apparently, she was most miffed she hadn’t come away with the lip ring she’d been after, and the boyfriend fiancé had been hoping for a tongue ring too.

Several people asked if she’d had an engagement ring yet. She does, but lent across to Cass and I, and explained the top flipped open to reveal lip gloss and sometimes it got a bit mucky so she’d left it at home. But she wasn’t upset she didn’t have a proper ring (Cass pointed out this was her first mistake!).

And this also felt like a trip down memory lane, as I agreed to marry my first boyfriend when I was fifteen too (though I got a real ring!). The pair of them were so young and bubbling with energy and delight. Of course it will most likely all vanish.

But it felt good to be reminded of how things once were.

It also felt good to come home, kick off my sensible shoes, get pounced on by the kids like I’d been away for four days not four hours, and drink a cup of tea knowing that was me for the day. Being grown-up isn’t so bad.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Stepping forward

Suddenly realised time is speeding up again. Days have blended and weeks are slipping by without recognition. There actually isn’t that much left of the summer holidays.

Next week the boys have soccer camp, then the BH is off for three weeks, and then there’s only a week until the schools go back. Umm, not good as two of the kids are starting new schools and they all need new shoes and various other bits to start the new school year off with. Can’t leave it until the final week either, as you end up pulling your hair out because the shops have sold everything in your child’s size.

And because we’re fully booked for Thursday and Friday this week, I realised all I had left to get ourselves organised was TODAY!

Thankfully this revelation came at about six this morning and I quickly got out the clothes lists and began compiling what was needed. Geeze Louise, only mad or stupid people would have four kids! Figure I must be in the stupid pile as I didn’t exactly give any prior thought to how much the little darlings would cost in sweat and tears.

But moving past hitting my head off the desk as personal punishment, by seven the catalogue of requirements was complete. I even got carried away and came up with a meal plan for the week, as well as working out which shops should be tackled first on the basis we’d walk down town trying things on one way, but not buy until we were heading up town the other – that way ensuring less hissy fits about shoes and jumpers!

And wow, am I good!! We’d done the food shopping by nine, and finished the uniform requirements by midday! MIDDAY!!! I’m so stunned and pleased with myself, I’m sitting here ignoring the laundry without the tiniest flicker of guilt. All it took was seven shops and an uncountable number of threats whispered at the children, but it’s done, really and truly done. Well except for plimsolls for J and three pairs of trainers for the boys, but hey, that’s nothing!

Of course I’ve still got to order some new sew-in name tags and spend a week or two attaching the things, and there’s a couple of hems and sleeves which need taking up, but still, what’s that in the grand scheme of things?!

The only downside was the cost. Bloody hell that hurt, but whether I'd done it this month or next, it was bound to, so hey-ho I’m not even going to let that bother me.

And something kind of funny happened when we were out. One of those coincidence things which makes you laugh when talking with a stranger. We were in the final shop in town sorting out blazer, lab coat, sports kit and stuff for R, when I noticed a mom I sort of recognised from his old school. And yet she was buying the same blazer as us. So I ambled over and asked if her son was changing schools, indeed he is, and though he’s a year younger than R, they both looked pleased that there’d be someone they know on their first day.

She was very interested as to why we were moving R, but I avoided saying too much, and anyway they’re in the same boat, so how much needs to be said?

Anyway that wasn’t what amused me. It was later when I was dropping R off for his fencing taster that I got to smile, as the same Mom and son were there too. We laughed and agreed we are bound to bump into each other everywhere now.

She then commented that she thought we may live near her as she’s passed me in the valley a few times. Sure enough they’re our neighbours!

So she then suggested getting our boys together, but not next week as her son’s doing soccer camp. Big surprise, so are mine!

It’s a funny old world, to think I’ve never spoken to her before and yet our lives mirror each other so completely.

So anyway those were my two steps forward for the day. But you can’t take two steps forward without taking one back, can you? And the step back was icky and had an amusement factor of minus twenty.

P’s a lackwit. I would say idiot, but we don’t use that word in this house. Ugh, can’t even think how to put this, but my bumbling numpty of a son ran around the deck without looking where he was stepping, and what does he step in? I mean how many doggy poops are there on my deck or in my garden?! One, exactly one! Does he notice it, even after he slips in it? Of course not! At least not until he’s walked it into the deck grooves, through my kitchen, across the lounge carpet, rode S’s bike smeared it on the back of his trousers and plodded into the office to tell me.

Give me strength!! This is the nonsense I don’t need!! And I got tough with him, and made him wash his own shoes. You should have seen his face when I handed him the gloves, bucket and brush to scrub his shoes, whilst I tackled the rest.

Yep I’m a mean mommy with a puppy who could poop for Britain, in fact I swear more comes out than goes in! And now… now everything is done (except the second load of laundry and three emails, which I’ll tackle later) and I have half an hour until I have to rush about again. Bliss.