Don’t like the sound of this

Okay this is a woman’s post, so would the men please leave?

Come on, I mean it men, GET OUT! After all, I only do this once or twice a year, so heed my words and come back another day. Please.

For those that are left, damn google and all the bloody information you can get at four thirty in the morning!

I woke up about an hour ago, in pain. You know the feeling, the sudden wonder of why you’re awake shortly followed by cramps letting you know you’ve got to get out of bed and do something about it.

Well I wouldn’t bloody mind, but seeing as it’s only twenty-one days since this last happened, I feel cheated! I like sex dammit, but not messy sex (in that sense!) and I’m supposed to be swimming tomorrow, which I know I could still do – if I was brave, but I’m not.

And this is the third time in four months this has happened, except…it isn’t FOUR months, is it?!

So, being that I’m getting a tad tired with this crappy body, and being that google can tell you anything at a drop of a hat, even at four-thirty in the bloody morning, I googled and guess what? I’m getting old!

This is scary shit, the page I found lists the symptoms of perimenopause – which I had never heard of, but apparently is the first phase of your body gearing up for the menopause. And guess what those symptoms are: shortening/lengthening of monthly cycle, sleeping problems, depression, and heart palpitations.

Sound familiar?! TOO BLOODY FAMILIAR!!

And that’s only the bloody start! In the long run I can also expect vaginal and bladder problems, loss of libido, body and skin changes (translating to I’m going to get fat around my middle while the skin gets thinner and sags) cholesterol problems which can lead to heart disease, with osteoporosis to possibly follow!

Oh joy. Isn’t it great being a grown up?

On the upside, it may mean I’m not as barmy as previously thought. Having said that, my doctor supposedly checked (however they do) for this last year and came back negative. But I guess maybe some people start getting the symptoms before blood tests reveal everything.

Of course I realise all of you reading also the face the same fate (if there are any men here, GET OUT!!!), and maybe I should consider myself lucky as my birth mother was only thirty-one when this happened to her.

But bugger that, I bloody refuse to feel grateful! I’m only thirty-seven, or is that thirty-eight (? Shit, I can’t even remember how old I am, and I can’t be bothered to work it out either! Tim, how old are we?)

Shit, I’m not in a good mood. I don’t want to be old. I don’t want to be on stupid tablets either, and it’s bloody humiliating to admit they work. I’ve been so much better this past week – with the exception of Monday, but I forgot my tablet on Saturday, so figure it was just a slight deserved dip. Or my hormones gearing up for the period. Damn.

Age sucks.