Posted. Deleted (again!). Make your mind up, woman!

Sometimes I just think I’m nuts. And I probably am, a little. When the kids were babies I used to say lack of sleep was the quickest route to insanity, and I’m not sleeping well. Again.

At first it was understandable. Whenever I closed my eyes, Ryker would appear. Now I lie there thinking about puppy names, if I’m lucky.

I don’t know what’s up with me, I’m not getting nightmares, I just have this overwhelming feeling like I’ve done something awful, or something awful has happened – I just can’t remember what. And the night's seem so long and noisy.

It’s probably wrapped up with Ryk’s. There’s stuff I haven’t written – or rather have written, and deleted!

I deleted last night’s post because I suddenly felt my post was too long, and I’d talked about R and some problems he’s having at school. At two in the morning I awoke with the feeling I'd shared stuff I shouldn't of, and had the urge to pull it. And as I figured it might help me to sleep, I did.

Though, as you can now see, any benefit didn’t last as long as I hoped.

Anyways, I’ll just grab the lighter stuff from that post, and tag it on here in shorter form. After all, I have to post something, sometime!

So, sing along with me: We’re getting a puppy, we’re getting a puppy!

Not long now(*gulp*, which I’ll explain in a minute), I’m off to England to bring him back myself, on Tuesday the 9th May. He’ll be just over eight weeks, and we’re getting around the age thing as he’s not going in the hold, but travelling right behind me on a private plane.

A part of me is screaming at the cost. But then, I’d rather have a dog than a plasma TV or a holiday! Not that I could afford those things, but I’d rather have a dog and go without plenty to get him. And I feel really good about this dog. He’s from a good line, proper pedigree and all that snobby stuff I’ve never bothered with before. But my dogs have tended to die young, and this time I’m going to do everything I can to make sure this mutt is with me for the next fourteen years! And the first step with that, is to make sure he’s from a healthy line (though I know you can’t guarantee against hip problems and the like. I can but try.)

Now to explain the *gulp*.

I’ve got to fly. I’ve deleted several swear words I originally typed.

Where to start? I don’t like flying. I used to be fine, when I was a kid, but the older I get the more I don’t want to do it. I think a big problem is our local runway. It’s on top of a cliff (not a very big cliff, granted, but a good hundred feet is enough!). When you land the brakes of the plane SCREAM, and though I don’t think many planes have gone over, I dread it. I’m hoping that because it’s an itty-bitty plane, that won’t happen this time. But I can also remember my boss (at the travel agents I used to work at) telling me how little planes were so unsafe compared to big ones. Guess there’s nothing to protect you, should you fall out the sky. Oooppppss!!! I really can’t think this. Seriously – I can’t. Mustn’t.

And anyway, that’s only half the problem. The other problem is kind of personal. So if there’s a limit on how much you want to know about me, leave now.

The flight there and back will take four hours, and as we’re landing at an airstrip I’m really not sure what will be there. But even if there’s a cluster of building, I’ll still be in a four-seater plane for a minimum of two hours each way.

And this is happening in the morning. Which is bad thing, a very bad thing.

You see, I always need to pee a lot in the morning. Against what I drink, the problem is ridiculous. And even if I allow myself only one cup of tea that day, I’m really worried. What do you do, when sat with a stranger in a tiny plane, and you need to pee? My friend suggested taking a bottle, to pee into, but really how likely am I to squat on the backseat? Dear heavens, what can I do? Are there tablets to stop you needing to pee? If so, can someone send me some? Please!

Of course I suppose I could step back and let the BH go. He thought he was. He didn’t think for a minute I’d want to get on a little plane, but I said no, I’m going.

Must think about names too. I originally like the BH’s choice, but have since gone off it, so I’m asking you. And for any serious suggestions I thought it an idea to list the names of my past male dogs, to give you a gist of what I like:

Kubi
Shanty
Simba
Ryker

The BH likes: Kobi

I like: Wooster

And I did think, D’argo might be a compromise, and kind of in keeping with Ryker being called Ryker, but he BH wasn’t impressed. And if you’re not a sci-fi fan, you won’t understand what I’m talking about ;o)

A little snip here, and a great big cut there...

Today…it was warm! Well alright, warm might be stretching it a bit, but it wasn’t cold! And I felt warm after trying to mow the lawn.

Our lawn is a bitch, and I’m really being polite here. Other people moan about having to cut theirs, but ours is truly a nightmare. The grass itself is nice enough, but the angle is a killer. Have I complained about it before? Well if I did, it must have been last summer, and if I can’t recall writing it, I’ll take the chance you can’t remember reading about it.

We bought the house from an old couple, and I KNOW I’ve complained about the house before. It’s horrid, a house from hell, and a money pit to boot. So I bet you’re wondering why we bought this place (I often do!) – would you believe, because of the garden…?! The trouble with buying a house because of the garden is, when the gardeners have gone, it doesn’t much stay the garden of your dreams.

We were so bowled over the first few times we saw this place. It was the start of summer and between the quaint pathways, boarders full of colour, and the mountain of green, we were smitten. We should have thought a little more about that mountain of green, should have realised it looked impressive because the mountain of time it takes to keep it, is impressive! And that little old man we bought the house from was such a liar. Reckoned half an hour a week was all it took. Bloody, bloody, bloody liar! No way on this earth would it take anyone just half an hour.

But it has become a benchmark. The first time I attempted to mow it (full of joyful enthusiasm I might add!), I had to stop three times before I finished, lest I pass out. It’s like that at the start of each season, the first few mows near kill you, then you get a couple of goes which you struggle to finish, then you’re down to an hour and a half sweaty labour with the added pleasure of knowing you’re getting fitter.

I’m not fit right now. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever been more pleased that a machine broke down, than I was today. The mower just stopped. Probably in protest as it didn’t get its annual service (yep, our mower is that fancy (and expensive), it demands an annual service). So now I have a half finished lawn. Darn silly looking too. But at least my lines were straight(ish), plus it doesn’t have personal vanity issues about looking half-cut.

Unlike my daughter, S, who’s also sporting a half cut design. Ah, the joy of the first haircut! Bet you’re imagining my littlest sweetheart throwing a fit whilst at the hairdressers, and us having to leaving half way through. Wish it was that amusing.

It was her first haircut, but she went one better. It was also the first ‘Wouldn’t it be cool to cut our hair…ourselves?!’ moment. J was the one playing hairdresser. She cropped herself first, but thankfully was determined to see what she was doing and didn’t have the brains to look in the mirror. As such, her clump is a good three inches long. Thank heavens.

But J still had the urge for snipping.

Most kids bald their dolls; plenty of scary barbies about. But why ruin a perfectly good doll, when you have you’re very own sister sitting in front of you?

But her hairdressing skills are on par with the BH’s early green-finger attempts (cut first, ask questions later).

I’m not even going to give you a laugh and show you a picture.

Thankfully the barber was able to even out the back, but there really isn’t anything you can do with 5mm clumps at the front. The barber reckoned we were lucky, reckoned S’s hair colour and curls helped to mask the worst, and the BH is confident this is a memory we shall laugh at.

I might. If the whole event wasn’t shadowed by the lies. They were absolutely unbelievable! Or maybe that should be too believable. Both of them.

They stood there blatantly telling me they hadn’t had the scissors and didn’t know what had happened to their hair! At the time I focussed on S, because…well, I didn’t think J would lie to me like that. Didn’t think she could. In all the years I have had kids, and even with the worst antics of the boys, I have never had a child stick to her story so well, looking so angelic and bewildered, when I could see the evidence in front of me! She almost had me wondering how it could possibly have happened.

She buckled when I said neither of them would go to the party (that afternoon) if someone didn’t tell me what had happened. Of course I had to let them go to the party – we’d accepted the invitation, and she did spill the truth.

So after many sighs from me and a mad dash into town for an un-scheduled haircut (that’s why we ended up at the barbers!), I attached bright clips into what was left of the front of S’s hair and sat through a princess party (and you know how I love those!)

As I chatted with the other moms, I was able to smile about it (except whenever S came into view) but then , yesterday morning, J lied to me again! This time it was just about empting my shampoo and conditioner into the bath, but still…this child is going to be the end of me!

After the first lie, we’d had a long chat about telling the truth and I thought J understood why I was so cross, but apparently not. So we had yet another chat, and now they’ve also lost the TV from their room.

I just cannot believe how an accomplished a liar she is, at five. If it’s like this now, what will things be like in another ten years?! This is harder than the things with P ever were, at least with boys ‘what you see is what you get’, but girls…

Anyway, enough of the children (I’ve certainly had enough of them), let’s talk about something sweet and fun…puppies!

Unfortunately we’re not moving forward very quickly. Waiting on airline quotes and trying to figure out how we’re going to get him here. The boring puppy stuff I suppose, but it can’t really be cute until the little darling arrives ;o)

Rdl asked if he was the big guy in the front (of the picture I posted) – I don’t think so. The picture is one from the breeder we’re using, but I think it’s a promotional one rather than the litter that's available now. But I have asked for pictures, so hopefully soon…

Dave asked if he could look after him for six weeks – unfortunately he can’t leave mom for another two weeks, and if we can, we’re hoping to find a private pilot to nip us over and pick him up asap. But if that isn’t possible, and if the breeder goes and charges me for the extra time – then maybe! (And maybe you should be careful what you wish for ;o))

Sam asked if there weren’t breeders locally – yes there are, but it works out not that much more expensive to do it this way, and it avoids the long waiting lists. But I have checked out the breeder very thoroughly, and spoken with others who have her dogs.

Doug asked if we thought his patients would object to him carrying a shivering Chihuahua in his pocket – over here they would! Not because you have a dog in you pocket (in fact that would probably make you incredibly popular) but because we don’t like to see dogs shiver. Shame on you, planning to chill a Chihuahua!

Ivy asked if we’ve thought of a name yet – yes! We have a front runner, but I’m suddenly afraid of jinxing things by telling too soon, but I won't be able to keep quiet for long and as soon as everything is definite, I'll spill!

Can’t wait!

(Umm, wonder how long it’ll take me to rue my hurry ;o))

I’m baaaaaack!

Sorry about that. What can I say? Even I’m surprised how badly I fell apart. Can’t even claim I’m really back together yet either – but I do have something to focus on and look forward to – and that seems to be buoying me along.

So what’s been happening…I bet you’re holding your breath! Not a lot really. At least it hasn’t seemed so from the dark pit I wedged myself into. The kids broke up for the holidays and ate themselves sick over Easter (though not literally), and from what I gather they’re driving the BH and my mother bananas. But I’m afraid to say I really wouldn’t know. Everything’s passed me by as I sat contemplating my navel. And working.

I’ve been working quite a bit. Wish I could say it was riveting stuff, and in it’s own way – if you like unravelling anothers account – it has been. The accounts system is now transferred to a package I like and I think the job will be fun when I’ve truly come to grips with it.

But you don’t want to hear about accounts! You want to hear about puppies, don’t you? Yep! Getting a puppy is what’s obsessing my thoughts now. Well actually, Ryker is still obsessing my thoughts, but I figure once a new puppy arrives, he’ll keep me so busy I’ll barely have time to think about Ryks.

(Had a few people point out that the new puppy won’t be Ryker. If you’re feeling the inclination to do this, please don’t. I’m not stupid, and I know the new dog won’t be Ryker – in fact even if could clone Ryker, the new dog wouldn’t be Ryker! And I of all people know, Ryker is dead. But he’s left a gaping hole, that happens to be swallowing me, and this is a way to plug it.)

And I’m even sane enough to remember, the puppy years are a nightmare! I’m feeling very mixed about the chaos that’s coming, on the one hand – the puppy will be sooooooooooo cute! And cuddly! And have that puppy smell. And they’re just like children with their fascination at everything new. But on the other – my house will stink, and I only just got the carpets steam-cleaned. And they chew EVERYTHING, what isn’t destroyed with have little holes in it. And it’ll be months of dog training classes again. And the vets bills. Not to mention the personal bad habits this dog will educate me on. But then he’ll also have his own sweet-heart habits too. And I’ll have my shadow again, and life will be back to normal.

But never the same. I think that’s what I’m finding the hardest. I bloody hate the way life changes, and nothing you do, can stop it.

Oppps! Now I have to watch what I type. You see I haven’t really been very far away, I’ve been here most days to write a post. But what happens is, I fall into my pit, and waffle on in abject misery. Then I realise what I've done (that'd be when the pile of tissues gets so big it falls onto the keyboard), and have to delete before posting. And I refuse to do that today! And I also know I really shouldn’t allow myself to get like that anyway, after all, I’m as lucky as can be!

But that’s another of life’s quirks, because it doesn’t matter how blooming lucky you are, if you’re low – then you’re low. And it’s safe to say I’ve been low. In fact I think the last time I got this low, I was a moody mal-adjusted teenager.

But that was yesterday, and today, I’m getting a puppy! I think I’ve found THE one too. The breeder’s pencilled in our name. He’s six weeks old this Friday. Only problem is, he’s in England, and we’re not. And because the airlines enjoy their blanket rules and regulations (pertaining to pet passports, which our dogs don’t require) it may mean the puppy can’t travel for another six weeks. But I enjoy solving problems, and where there’s a will, there’s a way – and I want this puppy sooner!



Having said that, I'm finding some calm again, and if fate decrees I have to wait, then I shall wait.

Oh, and I also made a cake. Yesterday. You may remember I got two orders from J’s party (though you may also remember I can’t do this for a living, if I have a dog. And I AM having a dog!!).

Not as pleased with it as I’d hoped I’d be. But I have learned, creating an iced cake ball to look like wool, isn’t so easy ;o) But as I’m not charging my friend for anything other than the ingredients, and seeing as her daughter didn’t burst into tears and point out it isn’t a ball, I’m considering it a relative success (hey, this time last week I could barely get out of bed! Things are on the up!!)

Sharing the madness

On Friday I seriously began to wonder if I was barking. All week (or is it two?) I’ve been ill – but not in the morning. It’s like I have all this energy until around lunchtime, then begin feeling cold, and within an hour my entire body aches with a thumping headache. But the days have been long and horribly busy, and mixed with my low ebb, I began to figure it might be my mind’s way of trying to slow me down.
Some chance. Instead, hot baths at lunchtime have become regular, and I’m living on flu remedies (and that’s literal, as I’m off food).

I managed to keep up with my commitments, but I’m behind on things I like, like keeping up with all of you. I’m hoping to get to the doctors Tuesday, so with any luck I’ll be back on form shortly.

But back to how I know I’m not totally nuts. Yesterday, the BH got ill with the same thing! At the same time, which wasn’t so great as we had the matinee performance of our girls at the ballet, followed by an hours break before J was back on stage for the FINAL performance.

Thank heavens. Don’t mean to sound negative as it’s been a wonderful experience for her, but blimey I’m exhausted! Ironically she sailed through the entire week, still managing school each day, though she did get very poorly around four this morning and caused quite a lot of dashing about with her incessant vomiting – but that could have just been an average bug, as S had the same thing Thursday night.



(That’s S, in the middle. Yep, the one facing the wrong way.)

Was even more tired on Thursday as the day didn’t slowed until nearly ten, due to R being on an ‘around the island’ walk. He completed thirty-six miles, after going for nearly thirteen hours! We were surprised, as was he, that he managed it. He’d been saying he was aiming for eighteen miles, and I kept berating him for such a short-sighted attitude – but I wasn’t serious – the boy’s only eleven and isn’t that fit compared to lots of his class-mates. Of course a few of the super fit boys apparently dropped out because they were off on holiday this weekend and didn’t want to be hobbling along, but… still, whatever the reasons, only four boys from R’s class managed it.

(But not to worry, she figured out her mistake.)


But I was telling you about the girls! My mind’s wandering again, sorry. Here are a couple of pictures I managed to take – apologies for the quality, but I wasn’t feeling too good and everything happened quickly.








(J’s in the middle, the multi-coloured blue fish in the middle.)















(And she even managed to be the middle of the cast farewell.)


What else have my days held? Oh yes, going mad. I can still hear him. Ryker. Wasn’t going to mention it, as I was sure I was alone with this particular insanity, but No! Dared to ask the BH if I was the only one who could still hear Ryker’s heavy sighs and the occasional scratch at the door, or jingle of his collar – and thankfully, it isn’t just me! Strangely this gives me the romantic hope that he’s still with us, as opposed to the children having a couple of fruit-cakes raising them.

I know it’s just our minds playing tricks, but there is comfort is some shared madness!

Ryker

It was today. It was our decision. It was awful, and my heart is broken.

Happy fish

Tonight, J went on stage! She’s a blue fish in a ballet extract of The Little Mermaid, though it was just the dress rehearsal, but tomorrow it’s the real thing. Unfortunately one little fish fell whilst dancing and became very upset. It was the daughter of one of my best friends, and I think her distress shook J. More worried about the girl in question though, as I know she’s a sensitive soul and we’ll have to see how this affects her tomorrow.

Of course the highlight of this week isn’t the actual performing as far as J is concerned, but more the going out in the evening when she’d normally be going to bed. And the wearing of make-up, mustn’t forget that! Haven’t got any pictures for you yet, as I was too hurried before we left and she refused to let me take any when we got home, but expect to be scared wowed.

S is also appearing in just the matinee performance on Saturday (as a little mermaid), but I have a smidgen of doubt whether she’ll hold her nerve, as she got all shy in front the family the other night, which doesn’t bode well for how she’ll feel at the theatre!

And the matinee will also be the first time we get to see our little darlings’ dance, as the rest of the week we’re just hanging around playing taxi service. Not that we didn’t entertain ourselves. Two moms and I went to the pub (no cafés nearby, I swear!). Something of a shock to remember what life is like when out with just women, not that they were raunchy or anything like that ;o) But a group of men started chatting to us, and I’d kind of forgotten that people do that in pubs at night. Scary men too, which isn’t so surprising as the interesting ones were always too polite.

I haven’t yet decided if it’s good or bad timing, but I cut off J’s hair last night. It was a spur of the moment thing, after I got irritated trying to comb the knots out (though she did agree!) I'm sure I only cut off a couple of inches, but the release of weight must have buoyed the rest of it, as it’s curlier than ever – and shoulder length.

Other news includes: I’m still battling my chest infection. Nasty one too as I can’t get a decent breath and am feeling faint whenever I exert myself. Probably doesn’t help that I’m not fit. I really need these Easter holidays to start! Four days to get through.

I don’t think I mentioned it over the weekend, but I had a call Friday night, and started my new job this morning. Except that makes it sound like I might have done something productive this morning, but I didn’t; I couldn’t, really. It’s a bit of a bizarre situation, the previous lady has left, and the boss hung around for three minutes just to say not to bother asking him anything as he doesn’t have a clue.

So there I was, shivering in a strangers office (it was cold! Or else I had a fever, not entirely sure which). His wife (my friend) made me a cuppa, and also made a point of telling me she knows nothing about the accounts, so not to ask her either. And it felt very odd going through someone’s cupboards to try and figure out where things are kept. Found some, not all.

I also took a look at the dreaded accounts package, UGH, couldn’t even persuade it to generate a report. The sooner I change to the one I like, the better. But that’s easier said than done, and I have to buy the darn thing first. But that’s going to take days to arrive in the island, and then load with the account balances, but the men need paying on Friday, not to mention the suppliers…I think if I wasn’t feeling so awful, I’d be in panic meltdown. Guess that makes this cold a silver lining!

Oh and I haven’t mentioned the very start of my day. My computer’s power supply blew, and left me with no internet access! Traumatic to say the least, and I haven’t had time to visit most of you, but at least it’s fixed now (definite bonus of sleeping with a computer geek ;o))

Phew, so that was Monday. Thank goodness it's nearly over, just a shame Tuesday arrives so quickly.

How lucky am I?

Today the weather is good, and though we had lots of running around this morning, we found the time to enjoy a short walk this afternoon.

Despite the fact that the sunshine cheers me immensely, that’s not the reason I’m lucky.

But now I think about it, I have no idea why I'm so lucky, after all what's lucky about having a bird pooh on you? But it’s what’s said. And I should know, as it’s such a frequent occurrence in my life, that when most people feel a slight touch on their heads and assume a leaf might have grazed them, I know instantly that a bird has pooped on me.

Often the people with me will tell me how lucky I am, once they've managed to straighten up from thier laughter. And like I'm really going to believe they're envious.

Better go, I now have to wash my hair tonight.