This isn’t working

You’ll have to forgive me, this isn’t really a post for you, but more a note to myself in the hope things will seem less muddled.

It’s the meds. I think. Of course it could just be that I’m reaching middle age, but surely the slipping into uselessness can’t be this sudden?

Everything’s going wrong, and I can’t keep up. The worst is I’m making mistakes at work. I hate that. And the boss does too. I’m even thinking I should offer my resignation, which if we didn’t need the money I would be sorely tempted to do.

A few weeks ago a RL friend said she reckoned my problem wasn’t depression or anxiety, but that I’m too bright for the life I lead. What a bloody joke! The life I lead is in chaos, and if I was so clever I’d surely be able to manage it all?!

The BH reckons I’m being hard on myself, and reminded me that at the end of the school holidays, I was feeling better. But then real life started again, along with fourteen activities to remember each week, the loan we’ve committed ourselves to which has brought endless research on cars, insurance, air & ferry fares, kennels, quotes for flooring, sofa samples, LCD v’s plasma debates, and gardeners who piss me off no end (I might explain that later). Not to mention it’s nearly November and I’m in the midst of Christmas shopping (which I’m doing very well with! Yippee, one thing I can do right), and planning my Nanowrite (I think I may have over-planned as I’ve gone off all my ideas). Then there’s the kids. Don’t the teachers ever get sick of homework? I surely do! Though twenty minutes of reading each night probably wouldn’t be so bad, if it didn’t have to be out-loud, and if I didn’t have four kids. And why don’t they make sure that the kids can understand it? I don’t have time to work out what questions mean when they’re based on the class work, and I wasn’t in the bloody class! Please write another letter, mom! And even when they’re at school I get a mountain of calls, forgotten this, forgotten that, please bring it in. Oh and mustn’t forget all the other school bits. Please return the data sheets, photo choices, dental check-up permission slips, and Romanian shoe boxes by such and such a date. Don’t forget to fill in the activities sheets for the boys for next summer (right NOW?!), and comments are expected on the interim reports. Then there’re those awful Christmas cards they let the girls make and bully us into buying, which when I’m paying £6.00 for 12, I am forced to inflict upon our friends. There’s also a bulb planting exercise (must remember to drum up some sponsorship and try to persuade the BH to take part instead of me), parent teacher meetings coming out my arse, Christmas fetes to note and donate for, and an ever growing list of nativity plays and carol services which start as soon as December strikes.

And then there’s my friends. Why is everyone moving house?! I helped one by watching her children, but a closer friend noticed and commented that I do too much for the other. So now the closer friend is moving, and I can hardly turn my back. At least I like her kids, but I can’t believe I had forgotten how two-year-olds have the attention span of goldfish!

I haven’t even mentioned the dog yet. He’s ruined his beautiful black nose, he scraped it along the floor and now it’s got a pink tip. And he’s got an ear infection, bloody Labradors and their ear infections! Seems like Kobi will outdo all my previous Labs though, as none had one this bad (and the damn dog’s only seven months old – plenty more years to improve upon his record!!)


Arrrggghhhhh I can’t even sit here and type this! Actually I don’t shout or even murmur Arrrggghhhhh in real life, I don’t have the energy. In and out the room they come – where’s S? J’s not helping! The dog’s in the lounge. I forgot my homework book. I need help with my spelling sentences. P won’t get me my treat. Mom, you didn’t buy ham…

This is my life. At least I smiled this morning after the radio DJ pointed out ‘Relish your dislike of Mondays, as when they stop coming around, it means you’re dead.’

But what was the point of all this again? The meds aren’t working. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, and at least before I started taking the meds I couldn’t sleep and therefore had the time to keep the house a little bit tidy. Now it’s a smelly tip. Smelly because the damn dog peed on the floor at lunchtime today, after getting over excited when I was kicking a ball around for him (umm, should I admit I didn’t have time to walk him today?) But at least he loves me. It’s the darndest thing, but this dog does make me feel loved. Oh I know the kids and BH love me, most of the time, but it feels nice that the dog adores me so. I’m sure Ryker did too, but I guess he had the maturity to stay at the back of things. Unlike Kobi. I do so miss Ryker’s calmness.

Any calmness really. My life is such a mess at the moment, I’m spinning so fast I feel ill - literally, and all the time. Can’t even eat chocolate as I feel so nauseous.

But now I’m feeling guilty. As I always do when I have a grumble like this. I know I’m lucky. Four beautiful, bright children; a husband who loves (and fancies ;o)) me; a safe, warm roof over our heads, and food on the table . I know I shouldn’t want for anything, and I know I wouldn’t really want to swap it for the nothingness I dream of. It’s just…

Hard sometimes.

Hard a lot, lately.

And I’m so damn tired.

Much ado

I’m not going to apologise this time. Sounds hollow when you’ve said it a dozen times anyway. Life is busy, and mostly good.

The ‘mostly’ is due to the frantic pace my life presently seems to run at. Surprisingly I am enjoying all the activity, whilst I’m doing it, but when I stop the exhaustion sets in and I know I could really do with a break.

A lot of my time is taken up with work as the new business is doing well, and as such it’s quickly become another fully-fledged job. Then there’s all the running around after the kids, which should be limited to a maximum of 12 activities a week (3 for each of them), but we decided R should improve his swimming, P has added tennis to his schedule, and has also just talked me into letting him join the school choir group.

But I have taken to giving myself a small treat! On Thursdays I meet with several mothers from school. Luckily the attendance is based upon availability, as so far I’ve only managed it once.

Other good news includes us going into debt. Not a state I’m generally comfortable with, but right now I’m sick of living in a pigsty and never having enough money to put it right, so what the hell? We’ve borrowed a pile of cash and are busy deciding what sofa would suit us, and whether to get a hard floor through the lounge and hall. And I bought a car this week. It felt very impetuous considering I did it over the phone, sight unseen, but I bought my last car from an auction in Japan, sight unseen also, and that worked out well.

And the car brings a treat too! We’ve got to go and get it, as it’s presently in England. Birmingham to be exact – though if you’re anything like me, you’ll have to google to know where that is. And if you bother to look, you’ll see it’s nowhere near our closest English port. And being that it’s only the closest English ports that have ships travelling here, it means I’ve got a lot of driving to do with a full car!

Yes, we’re going to be daft enough to take the tribe with us. I had planned to travel alone, but when we told the kids I was off, J got all melancholy and reminded us her and S have never left the island, which at five is kind of sad as it means she’s never been further than five miles from where she was born.

So come half term, we’re off for a whole forty-eight hours. Ideally it would have been longer, but the only cheap flights we could get were a month in advance and the Wednesday of half term was the first day they were available. Of course we could have stayed beyond the Friday, but guess what? No fast boats home after the Friday morning, and twelve hours on a slow boat with my lot, was out of the question!

There has been some nuisance with all this though. The powers that be, won’t allow me to drive my new car until it’s locally registered, and that comes with a six week waiting list, which you can’t book until you can provide papers. So I get my car, drive like a madman, then park my car for six weeks. Yep, I’m thrilled. Guess what else? You can only get you’re no claims discount for insurance on one car. I only want one, but I’ll have to keep two because I can’t do without a car for six weeks! Which will also mean I can’t sell my present car to help fund the new one just yet either. Oh ain’t life fun?! Like a board game, with loaded dice.

Anyway back to pleasant things, the kids are excited! I know, I know. We shouldn’t have told them until ten minutes before we were leaving! If I’m getting driven mad now, can you imagine the basket case I’ll be by then?! And I don’t even think it’s going to be that exciting for them, as we’re planning it like a military operation!

1pm arrive in England, take taxi to dealership an hour away, sort paperwork, latest leaving time must be 2:30, drive 2 hours to Basingstoke and visit supermarket where they sell cheap clothes, very quick visit as we have another hour and a half’s driving to do before arriving in Southampton to get dinner (and let the kids swim in the posh hotel’s pool!). Up early be at shopping mall as it opens, as we’ve got to kit out the kids for the next year and leave by 3:30 to drive to Weymouth, (where our next posh hotel has another indoor pool!) Up early again as we have to check in for the boat by 8am.

Now would that sound exciting if you were between four and twelve years of age? I don’t think it does, but then I was spoilt rotten and holidayed a couple of times a year. Bless my lot, they’re beside themselves with joy. So much so, I’m feeling very guilty. And I hate feeling like this, as I know things like holidays shouldn’t matter. But one joyful decision – to blow the budget and stay in posh hotels – was directly because of their joy. I mean, heck, all that shopping – they’re in for a nasty surprise! And then we’ve got to get the shopping home. Mostly on their laps, but we’ll tell them about that as it happens. Guess two of them will just be thrilled to not be getting hand me downs for the next year! And I’m looking forward to the shopping. Sick of never going into town because I can’t afford the stuff! That’s definitely one side of living on an island I could do without. Roll on the bulk buy shops! Here I come!!

Oh, and I guess I should mention my new car. By ‘new’ I don’t mean new, it’s secondhand, or maybe third, but it’s NEW to me. And remember how I’ve complained I’m sick of driving huge slug-mobiles? Well it’s not a giant slug! Though it is a giant. And remember how I don’t like cars with a long nose? Well, unfortunately it does have one of those (like my own, according to my eldest!! Cheeky bugger) And remember how I like seven seaters, which also has boot space for the dog? Well it’s a good thing the dog hates travelling in the car. Because he can’t fit in (that’s not strictly true, unless the BH is with us).

So what have I bought? Well, upon discovering I am a better person when driving my mother’s car, I figured I’d buy one of them!

I’M GETTING A MERCEDES!

Strange that for years I’ve hated the things, complaining that they’re like a tardis in reverse – huge on the outside, no room on the inside. But whilst driving my mother’s, I’ve found it isn’t so bad with a bit of planning, and words to remind the kids to take all their crap stuff with them when they get out.

And mostly importantly, I’m a calmer person when driving it, and that’s priceless. To me.

Thankfully Mercedes’ cars go on forever, so at least it sounds reasonable when I say we’re going into debt for eight years, but the car can be counted on for the next decade. Maybe more!

It’s a tad older than my mother’s, but it has occurred to me if it’s not my ‘thing’ I could sell it locally next year and make a profit. So smiles whatever. I hope.

Except...I've just realised this is all happening at the begining of Novemeber, and Nano starts November 1st...you know what they say, where there's a will, there's a way!

The Monday Blues

Since I began working, I’ve liked Mondays. After a weekend of chaos it’s nice to go to my quiet little office and lose myself in things that make sense.

But not today. Today has been the Monday from hell!

It started last night, with projectile vomiting, care of P. Thankfully, my resident Spider Slayer (also known as the BH), can cope with sick. Unlike me.

But it meant P wasn’t going to school today, which in turn meant I couldn’t go to work.

That didn’t deem so bad last night, as I’m behind with loads of stuff, and I decided to look upon the day as a break from the norm (which is always good!)

Unfortunately a ravenous mosquito decided to sleep with me. Stupid bug obviously hasn’t been told us smokers aren’t supposed to get eaten alive!

But that wasn’t the worst. The worst was my own stupidity. Though I’m being harsh upon myself, as in all fairness I was still half asleep when I attempted to put my new contact lenses in. How the heck was I to know I’d picked up the wrong bottle of solution to rinse my lenses in? Bloody knew when the peroxide hit my eye! Still sore, and still feeling sorry for myself.