Monday, October 23, 2006

This isn’t working

You’ll have to forgive me, this isn’t really a post for you, but more a note to myself in the hope things will seem less muddled.

It’s the meds. I think. Of course it could just be that I’m reaching middle age, but surely the slipping into uselessness can’t be this sudden?

Everything’s going wrong, and I can’t keep up. The worst is I’m making mistakes at work. I hate that. And the boss does too. I’m even thinking I should offer my resignation, which if we didn’t need the money I would be sorely tempted to do.

A few weeks ago a RL friend said she reckoned my problem wasn’t depression or anxiety, but that I’m too bright for the life I lead. What a bloody joke! The life I lead is in chaos, and if I was so clever I’d surely be able to manage it all?!

The BH reckons I’m being hard on myself, and reminded me that at the end of the school holidays, I was feeling better. But then real life started again, along with fourteen activities to remember each week, the loan we’ve committed ourselves to which has brought endless research on cars, insurance, air & ferry fares, kennels, quotes for flooring, sofa samples, LCD v’s plasma debates, and gardeners who piss me off no end (I might explain that later). Not to mention it’s nearly November and I’m in the midst of Christmas shopping (which I’m doing very well with! Yippee, one thing I can do right), and planning my Nanowrite (I think I may have over-planned as I’ve gone off all my ideas). Then there’s the kids. Don’t the teachers ever get sick of homework? I surely do! Though twenty minutes of reading each night probably wouldn’t be so bad, if it didn’t have to be out-loud, and if I didn’t have four kids. And why don’t they make sure that the kids can understand it? I don’t have time to work out what questions mean when they’re based on the class work, and I wasn’t in the bloody class! Please write another letter, mom! And even when they’re at school I get a mountain of calls, forgotten this, forgotten that, please bring it in. Oh and mustn’t forget all the other school bits. Please return the data sheets, photo choices, dental check-up permission slips, and Romanian shoe boxes by such and such a date. Don’t forget to fill in the activities sheets for the boys for next summer (right NOW?!), and comments are expected on the interim reports. Then there’re those awful Christmas cards they let the girls make and bully us into buying, which when I’m paying £6.00 for 12, I am forced to inflict upon our friends. There’s also a bulb planting exercise (must remember to drum up some sponsorship and try to persuade the BH to take part instead of me), parent teacher meetings coming out my arse, Christmas fetes to note and donate for, and an ever growing list of nativity plays and carol services which start as soon as December strikes.

And then there’s my friends. Why is everyone moving house?! I helped one by watching her children, but a closer friend noticed and commented that I do too much for the other. So now the closer friend is moving, and I can hardly turn my back. At least I like her kids, but I can’t believe I had forgotten how two-year-olds have the attention span of goldfish!

I haven’t even mentioned the dog yet. He’s ruined his beautiful black nose, he scraped it along the floor and now it’s got a pink tip. And he’s got an ear infection, bloody Labradors and their ear infections! Seems like Kobi will outdo all my previous Labs though, as none had one this bad (and the damn dog’s only seven months old – plenty more years to improve upon his record!!)

Arrrggghhhhh I can’t even sit here and type this! Actually I don’t shout or even murmur Arrrggghhhhh in real life, I don’t have the energy. In and out the room they come – where’s S? J’s not helping! The dog’s in the lounge. I forgot my homework book. I need help with my spelling sentences. P won’t get me my treat. Mom, you didn’t buy ham…

This is my life. At least I smiled this morning after the radio DJ pointed out ‘Relish your dislike of Mondays, as when they stop coming around, it means you’re dead.’

But what was the point of all this again? The meds aren’t working. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, and at least before I started taking the meds I couldn’t sleep and therefore had the time to keep the house a little bit tidy. Now it’s a smelly tip. Smelly because the damn dog peed on the floor at lunchtime today, after getting over excited when I was kicking a ball around for him (umm, should I admit I didn’t have time to walk him today?) But at least he loves me. It’s the darndest thing, but this dog does make me feel loved. Oh I know the kids and BH love me, most of the time, but it feels nice that the dog adores me so. I’m sure Ryker did too, but I guess he had the maturity to stay at the back of things. Unlike Kobi. I do so miss Ryker’s calmness.

Any calmness really. My life is such a mess at the moment, I’m spinning so fast I feel ill - literally, and all the time. Can’t even eat chocolate as I feel so nauseous.

But now I’m feeling guilty. As I always do when I have a grumble like this. I know I’m lucky. Four beautiful, bright children; a husband who loves (and fancies ;o)) me; a safe, warm roof over our heads, and food on the table . I know I shouldn’t want for anything, and I know I wouldn’t really want to swap it for the nothingness I dream of. It’s just…

Hard sometimes.

Hard a lot, lately.

And I’m so damn tired.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, that was a lot to purge. Maybe you will feel better now. Reading your post dredged up a few familiar moments.

Monday, October 23, 2006 11:42:00 pm  
Blogger Who is this Dave? said...

In the aftermath of my flood, I thought that one more thing going wrong would be the final straw, and I'd just pack up. So I got a kidney stone - but that's given me a few weeks off work, and some lovely strong pain killers to keep me dopey. It's amazing how we keep going, isn't it? Anyway, you have my sympathy, and a virtual hug, for what that's worth.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006 8:00:00 am  
Blogger rdl said...

I think maybe you are hard on yrself and why can't you take a nap if you need one (coming from one who doesn't either, but has started of late). You have A lot on your plate - dang i only have one kid and can barely do it.
I hate to even ask this, but the nauseau? - you can't be... no I can't even bring myself to ask. nevermind. Go see another doc. about the meds (one that doesnt make you feel guilty - just what you don't need).
If it means anything, I think you're just great.
Take care of yourself, please.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006 4:47:00 pm  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed.

Might I suggest you look at your priorities? I mean, you don't have to nano, and you don't have to keep the house clean, and you don't have to be there for every friend that moves. You do need to take care of yourself (even if only for a little time each day -- time just for you) and, after that, your family. Because if you don't take care of yourself, what good will you be to your husband and kids?

Also, I'd talk to your doc about the meds. Maybe it takes longer, or maybe they're all wrong for you.

There. Unwanted advice, and a lot of it :)

Tuesday, October 24, 2006 6:32:00 pm  
Blogger Daisy Mae said...

I would be tired if I had your life too! Take it one day at a time!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006 12:49:00 pm  
Blogger Laine Morgan said...

You're not alone...I don't know, but it seems extreme busy-ness and stress are going around.

I hope things smooth out for you soon!

Thursday, October 26, 2006 10:45:00 pm  
Blogger mm said...

What Doug said.

Saturday, October 28, 2006 3:18:00 pm  
Blogger dakotablueeyes said...

I hope you feel better now. Sometimes just getting it all out helps.

Happy Halloween!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006 12:03:00 am  

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