No strength involved

This morning as I was making tea, I was considering how I could avoid friends and family I just don’t feel up to dealing with just now. 

I asked the BH to phone my mom and tell her I would be in contact in a few days when I felt stronger. He said he would, but he added ‘Don’t do this, it will spiral’. He’s probably right, but I need today to myself. 

Then I thought of here. How, for a few years – years that I now miss terribly – this place really helped, and maybe it can help me again. Maybe it can make things clearer in my muddled up mind. And I have a lot of time doing little right now.

Anyway, best to start at the beginning….

For the last few years I have worked full time, max hours and max overtime. I used to go to work at 6:15 am and get home at 5:45pm. Love my job. Love the people I work with, and most of all I get paid well and love what that money buys after so many years of being broke.

And talking of those years, well R is now a qualified teacher; travels a lot, and still lives at home (for now, I know he has plans in that area). 

P is months away from becoming a qualified chartered accountant; works for one of the big four (if you’re in finance, you will understand that), he still lives at home and turned 21 this week. My baby boy who gave me SO much stress is turning out pretty good.

J, now 18, has just finished her course to become a teaching assistant, but is going to continue her studies in the hope of also becoming a teacher. She’s definitely had her ups and downs in the teenage years, and ironically after being my easiest youngster, become the most worried about teenager. But that appears to all be behind us now. Hey all things pass, good and bad.

And then there’s my funny ‘lil one on the end, S, the artist. So unlike the rest of us. I’m still in envy of her. Nearly 17, she is definitely her own person. I truly don’t know what life will hold for her, but I can also add with conviction that it will be whatever she decides it will be.

Some 7/8 years ago we sold the house with the huge garden and downsized for financial reasons, then a couple of years ago we bought up again, and now have a beautiful 7 bedroomed regency house in a less than great location with no garden. I love the house itself, and we are gradually renovating and decorating. 

I am incredibly lucky. I know that, and embrace that knowledge every single day. Although I don’t do god and religion these days, I do know that the universe gave me a blessed life. A good man, 4 healthy amazing children (who actually seem to like me, as well as love me!) food on the table, roof over our heads, and the ability and opportunities to strive for, and receive, lots of life’s baubles and glitter too. 

And then it gave me cancer.

I don’t think it’s unfair I got cancer. I smoked for 30 odd years, what the hell did I expect? And statistically someone close to me had to get it, and if I was given a choice of who that had to be, I would have chosen me.

The part I am not coping well with, is where it is, in my neck and tonsils. It’s also in my lymph nodes but they seem to think I’m stage 3 and it’s not spread through my entire body.

All started innocently enough towards the end of April, glands in neck up with mild sore throat and not feeling great. First week I had had off work due to illness in 18 months. Then I went back to work, but my left gland hadn’t gone down.

Three weeks later I went back to the Doctor and pointed out the damn thing was still up, should I have antibiotics? Just referred instead. I got that appointment quickly – always a worry when you’re not waiting 8 months for an appointment haha!

Horrid consultant stuck 2 needles in my neck and said he would see me the following week, but I couldn’t make that appointment as my No 1 son was taking me on holiday.

R took me to Pompeii and Athens!! Absolutely amazing places. Fantastic holiday with my fantastic son. But I got sick whilst away. I don’t know if it was the exertion of all the walking each day, maybe the heat, or maybe it was just the cancer finally letting me know it was there. Anyway I was in a lot of pain, it was like a living thing in my neck. Could feel it growing under my jaw, down my neck, up towards my ear. 

Within days I had convinced myself it was cancer and that I would not be lasting long.

When I got home the Doc still wasn’t sure, results inconclusive. This went on for another few weeks with lots of needles in my neck (some very large!!) and scans. I was also signed off work as although they said the pain was due to an infection and gave me antibiotics, I was getting weaker by the day.

So they decided to cut the area out, but they couldn’t because of the location – the ‘mass’ had grown around nerves and blood supply. So they cut away half of it and took my tonsils too.

A tonsillectomy on an adult is nothing short of a BITCH. I mean seriously – take the worst sore throat you have EVER had, times it by 2, then maintain that pain, unceasing in even the slightest, for 10 days. I assure you, you cannot grasp how painful it is unless you have had it done in middle age. Oh and they came back with the cancer diagnosis too.

I have had a couple of friends who have had cancer. It sure as hell is not nice. But haven’t known anyone with it in their neck before, so didn’t really appreciate what was coming.

Just as I got over the tonsillectomy, they sent me to the hospital dentist – because whilst the radiotherapy is happening, you will develop mouth and throats sores etc, and you won’t heal during treatment. Which means any tooth they deem less than ideal, needs to come out, as you cannot afford an abscess (not that I have ever had one) .

Well as you’re aware I’m a Brit, and my teeth are not perfect, but they were all there, and they were my own. However the dental surgeon didn’t like my wisdom teeth, especially the one still erupting. Out. Next was a molar, heavily filled. She didn’t like the metal filling at all. Out. Next up…why couldn’t I feel cold on my front tooth? Because that one is sensitive to heat instead. Opps that means the root is dying/ dead, best to take that too. WTF?? My front tooth ?? Are you kidding me? Nope, cancer is not something people kid about apparently. 

They made it all sound so reasonable, best to get rid of before the treatment, no healing whilst that’s going on. And what’s a front tooth in the grand scheme of things? Pah, forget vanity, living is what’s important! Plus my dentist, for the reasonable sum of £450 would provide me with a fake front tooth.

So just as I am able to start eating again after the tonsillectomy, they give me another general anesthetic and take my teeth. I hadn’t fully appreciated how much pain would be involved. Or how many stitches. And I definitely hadn’t appreciated how difficult having a false tooth is. Not only are the four corners of my mouth stupidly sore (molar extruded side I really don’t go near!), but I now have this plate thing in my mouth – that does give me a front tooth thank gawd – but also gives me a lisp and creates sore patches along my tongue as my poor mouth figures out how to cope. Plus I can’t bite into anything as my bloody front tooth hurts where they pulled it.

So for 5 weeks now I am still eating mushy crap, carefully.

And next up is the peg. Because get this, once treatment starts the pain my throat and mouth will increase to the point where I can’t swallow at all.

So next Monday, another op, where they attach a feeding tube to my abdomen. 

And you know what, I can cope with all of that. Not like I have a choice. Gotta suck it up buttercup, this was the hand you were dealt. Okay. And it’s not forever.

But then there was yesterday. Yesterday I went to the UK – where I will receive the radio and chemo treatments for 6 weeks – to have my ‘mask’ fitted.

‘Mask’ is not an adequate word for what they are referring too. I mean what’s the worst mask you can imagine? Maybe ‘man in the iron mask’ type thing? Well, that would be a ***ing picnic in the park compared to what I got.

They basically mould this thing down over your head, face, and shoulders too, and then attach it to the slab you are lying on. I didn’t think I would mind it, after all it’s just to hold me still whilst the radiotherapy happens.

But this thing is so tight on me I can’t even swallow. For a few minutes that’s fine, but then suddenly my minds just freaks. This mask is screwed into the table I am lying on, I can’t turn my head a centimeter, I can’t swallow, I can’t lift my head, sound is dulled – and 12 minutes in that thing is a ****ing long time when you can’t swallow and your brain is screaming to find a way out.

If it was just for 3 or 4 occasions I would deal with it. But it’s 5 days a week for 6 weeks. 30 occasions.

I suppose I have to laugh really, when you think of all the things happening to me, and the one thing that is turning me into a wreak is the only one that doesn’t actually hurt. 

I have no idea how I am going to get this done. Nothing has made me cry like the thought of being strapped into that fucking mask again. 30 more times.

And if one more person tells me I am strong and will get through this, I will scream in their stupid face. 

(Well, I would, if I could – my throat is not healed enough to scream after the tonsillectomy yet.)

It’s not strength that gets people through this crap, there’s no damn choice. Just a corner that I will die in, horribly, if I don’t do what the doctors say. So I do what I am told. 

No strength involved, I’m just not ready to die yet, it’s that simple.