Friday, June 23, 2006

Where to begin?

Well I have a headache. And I’ve been having a lot of them lately, not normal ones though, more like someone’s hit me across the back of the head – so I guess I’ve got a nerve trapped. Or maybe it’s stress.

Is stress the same as anxiety? Because that’s what the doctor reckons I’m suffering from. I finally went. Kind of had to, as I couldn’t stop crying, and that tends to worry people after a week or so. Haven’t cried since I started on the drugs though. Either it’s good stuff, or crying for an hour in the doctor’s office got a lot of it out of my system.

And now that I’ve stopped crying, I’m wondering what I was crying about. Well, that’s not entirely true as I still don’t feel far from creating a river, but I just can’t figure out what’s going on with me.

Life is good. In many ways easier than it has been in years. And since I started working out of the house again, I thought I’d been happier, and money’s stopped being a momentous worry ready to drown me. So what the hell is up?

The doctor I spoke with yesterday – who I had never met before – told me, she thought I’m the type of person to believe that everything that isn’t right in my life, is of my own making.

That kind of amuses me. Or maybe it worries me, because I think there’s some truth in it. At least I hope there is. As I like to think I’m a great believer in accepting responsibility for one’s own actions, and if anything, people who blame others for a mess they've caused, annoy me. And I don't see how anyone else made this mess I'm in.

So what was her point? As the way she said it, makes me think she wasn’t paying me a compliment. And if it wasn’t a compliment, does that mean my thinking is warped? Because if it does, then chances are I’m passing it on to my kids, as I’m forever drilling it into them that there are consequences to all our actions…hang on a sec, that can’t be wrong! Shit, maybe it means I’m the only damn sane person about…

Anyway, enough deep thinking, or is that circular thinking? Ugh, either way, I’ve got a headache. And I’m on drugs (yippee, just wish they were stronger). So enough.

But I do want to say a quick thank you, to all of you. Both for the comments here, and the mails you’ve sent. Please know it does mean a lot to me. Very few people in real life know how squiffy I get, and it’s so nice not to have to pretend here – and still you come back. You make me feel very lucky, thank you.

5 Comments:

Blogger rdl said...

Nice to see you here, tho sorry to hear of your woes, if it's any consolation - you're not alone. maybe we can blame it on the opressive heat. glad that you are getting some help, tho that is a sticky wicket too, finding the right person to talk to and the right meds. now if i would only remember to take mine. :D
chin up, this too will pass.

Friday, June 23, 2006 8:54:00 pm  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I sometimes get the impression you take things too seriously.

So, there you go, from Imitation Philosopher/Psycho.

Anyway, smile and be happy. Please.

Friday, June 23, 2006 11:59:00 pm  
Blogger Who is this Dave? said...

I now have time on my hands, if you want any housework doing.

Saturday, June 24, 2006 6:53:00 am  
Blogger Anduin said...

I know what it's like to not be able to control your emotions. It's good that you went to the doctor. It's nothing to be ashamed of for taking care of yourself. I hope that you continue to go and find out what is really bothering you. I think it's good that you feel comfortable sharing this too. It helps to talk about it. We all care about you too. It will get better if you stay with it.

Saturday, June 24, 2006 6:58:00 am  
Blogger g said...

i wondered where you went. been busy here, so now i get a chance to catch up.

i think crying is a very natural response to a number of different situations.

and sometimes people can be put off by that. they want to "fix" things. make you stop crying.

it's all in the name of wanting to help. but they just don't want to face their own tears.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006 1:20:00 pm  

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