Where to begin?

Well I have a headache. And I’ve been having a lot of them lately, not normal ones though, more like someone’s hit me across the back of the head – so I guess I’ve got a nerve trapped. Or maybe it’s stress.

Is stress the same as anxiety? Because that’s what the doctor reckons I’m suffering from. I finally went. Kind of had to, as I couldn’t stop crying, and that tends to worry people after a week or so. Haven’t cried since I started on the drugs though. Either it’s good stuff, or crying for an hour in the doctor’s office got a lot of it out of my system.

And now that I’ve stopped crying, I’m wondering what I was crying about. Well, that’s not entirely true as I still don’t feel far from creating a river, but I just can’t figure out what’s going on with me.

Life is good. In many ways easier than it has been in years. And since I started working out of the house again, I thought I’d been happier, and money’s stopped being a momentous worry ready to drown me. So what the hell is up?

The doctor I spoke with yesterday – who I had never met before – told me, she thought I’m the type of person to believe that everything that isn’t right in my life, is of my own making.

That kind of amuses me. Or maybe it worries me, because I think there’s some truth in it. At least I hope there is. As I like to think I’m a great believer in accepting responsibility for one’s own actions, and if anything, people who blame others for a mess they've caused, annoy me. And I don't see how anyone else made this mess I'm in.

So what was her point? As the way she said it, makes me think she wasn’t paying me a compliment. And if it wasn’t a compliment, does that mean my thinking is warped? Because if it does, then chances are I’m passing it on to my kids, as I’m forever drilling it into them that there are consequences to all our actions…hang on a sec, that can’t be wrong! Shit, maybe it means I’m the only damn sane person about…

Anyway, enough deep thinking, or is that circular thinking? Ugh, either way, I’ve got a headache. And I’m on drugs (yippee, just wish they were stronger). So enough.

But I do want to say a quick thank you, to all of you. Both for the comments here, and the mails you’ve sent. Please know it does mean a lot to me. Very few people in real life know how squiffy I get, and it’s so nice not to have to pretend here – and still you come back. You make me feel very lucky, thank you.