1. Smoking is bad for your health, especially when trying to light a cigarette in high winds. Eyes down in effort, as I walked with a non-smoking friend, I swear that lamppost jumped in front me. She damn near wet herself.
2. Bra’s can be unpredictable. Or at least mine are. Sitting in the front seat of my boyfriend’s car (many years ago!) my bra ‘popped’ undone, so I struggled to do it up. Didn’t realise I was providing a free flash till I saw the horrified face of a woman walking on the pavement and realised my t-shirt had risen in my effort.
3. Toddlers wriggle. So it’s probably not the best idea to hang them upside down over your shoulder when you chat with a social worker, as your reaction upon being kicked is to let them go.
4. Being heavily pregnant can alter your sense of balance. In fact it can totally destroy it, and sunbathing in just your knickers (even if your neighbours are at work) is inadvisable if there is nothing to hold onto, to help you get up again. At least no one was about to see my beached whale impression and subsequent crawl up the garden. I hope.
5. Lock your doors, even when home. Especially if you don’t have a bell and are enjoying a quickie with your ex (now my BH!), as love-struck work colleagues think nothing of entering your home to wait for you. And to the ex’s out there – best to put on some clothes before walking out the bedroom door.
6. Nerves lead to giggles when preparing to get married. And running through the vows in front of a sour faced vicar doesn’t help. You know the line ‘For richer or poorer’? Well when I said it, it came out ‘For Richard or…’ the BH grinned at me, ‘For Richard? Who’s Richard? If you doing this for Richard I’m outta here!’ And the memory makes you snort at the wrong moment when saying it for real!
7. If you talk in your sleep, it might be best not to sleep in public. Especially on a moving bus in the middle of the Australian outback, as standing up and screaming, ‘Please somebody help me!’ makes the driver and other passengers extremely nervous, and your companion less than keen to sit next to you.
8. Tampons should come in childproof boxes. But as they don’t, only us stupid people would let a toddler hold them as we wait in line for a till. And should the worst happen, you can be sure the only person to help you pick them all up will be gorgeous!
9. Generally I’m proud of my reversing skills. I’m better than most people, but occasionally get over confident and forget people move things. Like bins on bin day. I swear I barely knocked that bin, but I guess it must have been heavy, as it managed to demolish a neighbour’s wall when it toppled.
10. Being stopped by the police can make a person nervous. And I was young and had only been driving few weeks. So when the policeman asked me if I’d been drinking, I was completely honest and said yes. It took several more minutes for me to realise he meant alcohol (he didn’t ask that!) Though I was lucky he was so nice and understanding of my stupidity.
11. There’s no going back once you’re pregnant. And no amount of begging and pleading with the midwife, as you explain you made a mistake and aren’t really ready to have a baby, will change the outcome of the delivery.
12. When working at a travel agents, keep your arms down. Especially if the client you’re
13. Keep up with old friends, as they may become rich and famous football stars. Of course when you don’t know this, and bump into them in the supermarket, it sure makes them smile when you ask what they’ve been up to in the intervening years!
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