Sharing secrets

I tried to type a post yesterday, but failed.

You see I’m in a dilemma. In the beginning I felt able to be honest in here, but this is fading. And it’s your fault. Yes, YOU! So damn nice, so damn ‘together’. Just like real people in real life.

And therein lies the problem. Because in real life, the more I get to know people, the less honest I am.

I don’t mean in a dishonest way. I don’t lie to people. I just leave out the stuff I don’t think they'll want to hear. For the most part, it’s just things about me and it’s not like anyone notices and I prefer it that way. I think they would too, if they knew.

But I did something odd yesterday, and felt shame for the rest of the day to such an extent it permeated here.

I was honest. I didn’t mean to be, and if I could take it back, I would.

Yesterday was Tuesday, and if you can be bothered to follow my lentula vitae, you’ll know I was at parenting class.

Now don’t start worrying, I didn’t tell some mom she was crap or some such. No, I decided, after sitting through yet another two hours feeling like a fraud, that I didn’t need to be there. Some of these women have real problems and difficulties. Not me. If this class has shown me anything, it’s that my husband and kids are wonderful!

I could have walked away without saying a word, like others have, but there are times I think people should know it’s nothing to do with them, just me. And so when class finished I waited for the others to disperse and then approached the instructors Mil and Lil.

I think I’ve already mentioned they’re nice women, so I won’t flog the horse and go on about that. But it would have been easier if they weren’t.

I began well enough, in my mumbled and confused way I explained how busy my life is and how I don’t seem to have the issues the others in the group do.

It should have finished with me simply saying I wasn’t going back. Instead they asked why I had signed up for the course.

And I did the worst thing you can imagine. I burst into tears.

This is a trait I despise in myself, to appear so weak and feeble. But then I hardly know these women and it’s better it happened in front of them, than my friends.

Of course they wouldn’t let me leave and sat down either side of me to try and fathom why this stupid woman was so fragile.

Just like all my internal conversations, it became circular. It’s not that I dislike any one thing in my life, I’m just so tired of it. That’s how it feels, a weariness that’s reached my soul and taken all the colour away. I want to be the person I was (not that any of you know her!).

Lil asked if I ate properly and I ended up telling her about my doctor visits; she surmised by saying she thinks I’m ill. How easy that would be, to be ill and therefore not my fault, to take a pill and not feel like this anymore. But in reality, although more tests are booked, I’m as fit as a fiddle.

Mil thinks I don’t have enough in my life for me. What am I supposed to say to that? Between time, money and commitments I have no options, and I’ve heard the one about ‘making time’, but when exactly? Once I’ve done all I have to do in a day I’m exhausted, and if anything I’m pulling away from the things I enjoy, like walking or the computer. And I’ve no idea why.

Then they made me promise I’d go back next week.

Still, on the upside, that was yesterday. And today… I used this morning to catch up on the accounts (home and work) and that’s made me feel a bit better. Well, not our bank balance, but getting some overdue chores out the way. And I’m distanced enough to see the irony of yesterday, of thinking for the past ten days how much better I’ve managed, and then falling apart so pathetically.

And on that note I shall end with an apology. I hate this wallowing, and I can’t imagine you want to hear about it either. I guess that’s why I didn’t tell the BH what a fool I made of myself, or anyone else in my real life.

But I have to let it out somewhere. And this is the only place I dare.


p.s. the woman sat on my right in class was wearing divine shoes!