Monday, September 26, 2005

Being Me

Last night I had an urge to paint my nails. But as it’s been several years since I’ve had this inclination, my choices of colour were limited to a pale shimmer or green. And as I can’t recall what possessed me to buy green nail varnish in the first place, I went with the shimmer.

It’s a bit of a disappointment – as you can see!

And whilst I’m showing off bits of myself, here’s the bruise that’s come up just below my knee. Definitely more colourful than the nail polish.

But I think it was more the act of painting my nails, than the effect I was after. It’s bloody annoying having to wait for the varnish to dry, and as such, it’s not often I sit still for that long!

Luckily Pitch Black was on TV, and I’ve been wanting to see this movie for a while after somehow catching the final half hour a year or so ago. It’s hardly a great film, but what I found most interesting was how none of the characters are what they first appear, and that fascinates me. So I was happy enough to be entertained by Van Diesel running around in a skimpy top and looking mean, as the paint dried.

And talking of people not being what they appear, I don’t think I am what I appear. Even to myself.

This realisation is a slow process and has been on my mind for some time. And I’m not yet sure if I can change anything. But there are certain things I think it is time to let go of, and I’m hoping whatever replaces them, shall make my life a tad more balanced.

I haven’t yet thought how to get most of this stuff down on paper, heck, I have enough trouble just facing the fact I have baggage! And I may decide it’s not for viewing anyway.

But just recognising my reactions and starting to understand them, has cheered me no end! And today, instead of my usual guilt, I’m angry. And it’s great!! Not the anger, (I’ll have to watch that, lest I become bitter) but just being able to step outside my usual view.

Having not (yet) seen The Chronicles of Riddick, I’m guessing he’s going to be consumed with guilt over Fry's death and thus enabled to begin a new life, which is kind of ironic, because I’m planning to let go of my guilt and I think that’s what’ll help me start afresh!

And on a somewhat timely note, my friend called this morning. Just after nine, which doesn’t amuse me as she knows full well I’m never home at that time and she’d have to leave a message. Instead of immediately being glad she’s called, I’m cross at her cowardice.

Apparently she hasn’t forgotten about the money she still owes me, and is sorry the friendship has ended this way. Nice of her to let me know. However I’m not done yet because I think I’m owed an explanation, and I want a chance to tell her how she’s made me feel over the whole sorry affair – without being bitter or rude of course, cause that wouldn’t be me. Even the new me (a growth in progress)!

And anyway, I hate losing friends, and I’ve lost too many of late. And it hurts. So, who knows, if she says the right things, maybe we can claw back a bit of what was lost (though I won’t be lending her any money!)

Having read through this post, I’m left wondering if it shall make any sense to you, and you'll just have to trust me when I say, I’m in a better mood than I have been for a long time – not happier, but clearer in myself.
See? I’m smiling!


Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Is that a Shirley Temple doll you are holding? Wow!

And don't take this the wrong way, but I think you are very attractive. Tell BH he is very lucky.

Also, I think blogging has been/is good for you. Talking things out sometimes works well, and then, of course, I get to tell you how to feel and that's always worthwhile because my advice is always free. My advice is not valuable, just free.

Monday, September 26, 2005 4:24:00 pm  
Blogger Anduin said...

I can relate to you when you say that you are learning about yourself. Over the last 2 or 3 years I've had to do some self-evaluation and I've come to see myself differently than I ever did before. It's a real eye-opener and I think it makes you a more "real" person. I admire that in people who know what their baggage is and accept it as part of their life.

Great picture too! I looked at the new pics you posted on flckr and really enjoyed them. Your children are just so beautiful.

Monday, September 26, 2005 9:08:00 pm  
Blogger Trouble said...

I think the nail polish looks just fine...

Monday, September 26, 2005 10:10:00 pm  
Blogger Daisy Mae said...

I like the shimmer nail polish. A trick I use to make the nail polish set faster is wait at least 5 minutes (or even 10) after polishing them, then run them under cold water. Works like a charm.

Hmph.... I have a "friend" like your ex friend as well. I think I'll tell the tale of why I am not speaking to her tomorrow on my blog. Too long of a story to put in a comment box. I know exactly how you feel though!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 3:54:00 am  
Blogger Who is this Dave? said...

Isn't it funny how words can lead our imaginations to paint a picture which is sometimes very wide of the mark. You don't look anything like the image I'd painted.

In the nicest possible way.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 6:42:00 am  
Blogger Huw said...

Yow! I've always been suspicious of mushrooms. That picture has confirmed that my belief they are not to be trusted is well founded.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 9:56:00 am  
Blogger mm said...

Huh? Miles per hour? Are you doing the conversion, Debi, or are your speeds really posted in MPH and not KPH?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 10:49:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like the shimmer polish. I use a quick dry oil polish from Revlon. It dries my nails inminutes. There are other that are topcoats as well but they dry too fast and the polish shrinks away from the tips. I like the oil dryers better because they do not shrink the polish.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 4:01:00 pm  
Blogger Jona said...

Thank you, Hoss, you’re very kind in many, many ways!

And you Anduin :o)

Hi Trouble! I shall take that as high praise coming from you (I know you pay attention to detail ;o))

DM – I’ll try that! Ooo and I’ll head over and read about your friend in just a mo.

Dave, you have me worried, was it tweed and courts you were expecting ;o) but thank you!

Hello Huw, that’s virtually what no.2 son said, ‘See mommy, mushrooms aren’t nice!’

Hi Maureen, yep we’re miles per hour, and I’m now wondering why you’d think we were KPH (?)

Lita, I had no idea this type of stuff existed! I think I’ll have to go shopping if DM’s idea doesn’t work fast enough :o)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 7:40:00 pm  
Blogger mm said...

oh, I'm just dumb enough I thought everyone except the USA did things in kilometres.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 7:53:00 pm  

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