Things that set my mood.
I wish I was in control of my moods. Wish I could predict them. And before any sarcastic bum asks, no, it is not my time of the month! And my mood isn’t exactly bad today anyway. Just, twitchy. Or maybe, annoyed. At nothing in particular, just everything in general.
I know that things like the weather and stupid drivers who cut me up in traffic can affect my mood, but the weather wasn’t so bad today. I have a hunch my dreams play a part, though I have been sleeping better of late. And I don’t think my dreams are bad at the moment, as I haven’t been shouting or screaming recently. Of course it could just be the BH has finally learnt to sleep through my dramas, but some mornings I catch glimpses, and I think they’ve become pretty average in the general weirdness stakes.
And certain people wind me up. Not in a nasty way, but what sort of greeting is it, to say someone looks awful, first thing on a Monday morning? If she was a really good friend, that would be sort of okay (with the theory they noticed and spoke aloud, because they cared ;o)), but I think it verges on rudeness otherwise. And it didn’t put me in the best frame of mind when another mother suggested we get together.
I can’t write what I want to write, because what I want to write isn’t very nice and I can’t explain in full… But for the life of me, I’m wondering if I’m missing something, as the mom who asked, regularly makes me feel stupid. The first time I left her house thinking it was me. The second time I figured she had decided me dim, but as we had a specific cause to be together, reasoned that I had only to get through another half hour and kept smiling (no doubt reinforcing her belief!). But I had to see her again, and after the third occasion I was narked enough to mention it to a good friend, who in turn confided I wasn’t alone. Now we have no real reason to get together, but she wants to. I don’t get it. Maybe she doesn’t realise how she makes me feel. Or maybe she does, and this is what cheers her up on low days.
But trying to think up excuses not to go, is giving me a low day! I should have said no immediately. But she threw me off guard. And it wasn’t really a request, more of a ‘Right, we must…’
And I’m not good at saying no. Bugger. I’m going to have get brave. Because I bloody ain’t going! Last time the low she put me in lasted three days!! This woman ruins my mood, destroys any mistaken belief in myself I may have had before I walked in. But why do I end up feeling guilty?! I mean about not wanting to go. Like I’m being ungrateful for not wanting her company. Actually I think I’ve just figured it out.
I don’t believe mean people, mean to be mean. At least, if I’m ever mean, I don't mean to be. Unless you’re cutting me up in traffic, then I probably mean it at the time.
And I’ve just figured out what I should do. I should be brave and tell her when it happens. And if we were friends I might.
But we’re not. So stuff that! I’ll just tell her I feel awful and probably have something contagious, apparently I look awful enough to be believed.
posted by Jona at 7:29 pm
8 Comments:
Well, I don't know what to say here, other than 'women will be women' and some often find pleasure in cutting other's down, especially if the perceive a threat of some kind. It's what we call 'being catty'. I personally find it difficult to be in the company of women, and I am a woman. I like to call a spade and spade and if that woman's comments put you to questioning then you should ask for clarity on her meaning. I know it's easier said than done, because I'm not one for confrontation, especially to a woman, because before you know it your confronting ways are the business of the entire universe because women like to tell other women of the shortcomings of their women friends. You catch my drift?
Being friends with men is so much easier. If they say "Hey, you look bloody awful today." you can reply to them by saying "Yeah, but you're an asshole and assholes are forever and I'll look better tomorrow." Men don't take that sort of thing personally.
I think I often perceive bad intent coming from others when it really isn't there. I never try to hurt anybody, why do I always think people try to hurt me? The answer is they don't. I just take it too personally. If someone is hung over or feels like crap and I talk to them, I'll probably think they're mad at me and wonder what I did to piss them off.
I think,"if they're mad, they must be mad at me, let me think, what did I do . . . "
Other people aren't thinking of me a tenth as much as I think they do.
Or if someone makes me angry, I can lay awake all night, seething mad. And they're home, sleeping soundly, not even aware of the alleged "incident". It's like I give them space in my brain, rent-free!
Once I realize I'm doing it, it's pretty easy to stop. For me, the hard part is realize I'm doing it.
Life would be so much easier if we didn't have to interact with other people, wouldn't it?
Oh, by the way, you're looking especially gorgeous today.
It's just harder than when we were kids to make real friends.
And I don't know why but saying no is one of the hardest things to do sometimes.
Lois Lane
I've learned to weed dead weeds out of my life. It makes things easier. For a while I felt very guilty about cutting someone I'd knopwn for 10 years out of my life - but she was dragging me down and I just didn't want to deal with her anymore.
The thing is, you have the choice - so use it.
You poor kid. You don't look so bad, but I can TELL you are feeling poorly, and ought to stay in for a day or two or however many it takes to eliminate the mum.
I know what you mean about wanting to write what you really feel but can't. Those are the days I stay away from blogger.
Hey, some folks can only feel tall by stepping on other folks' heads.
I knew a guy who had an interesting variation on this. He would say incredibly stupid things to make you think he was stupid. (He knew Karen and I kept snakes. When we fed our newts some tubifex worms -- which are, you know, TEENY -- he said, "Oh, wow! Are those the snakes?")
Here's the deal: he would do this because it made him feel superior, the fact he could trick others into thinking he was so stupid! I swear, I've never met anyone who was quite that variety of nuts.
Hope you start feeling better real soon ;)
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