Tuesday, March 07, 2006

That sinking feeling

I don’t think I’m a hard person to please. Of course I could be wrong, as it’s unlikely hard to please people know they’re hard to please. But give me a drop of sunshine, and something pretty to look at each day, and on the whole I can find some joy.

Yesterday was good day. Even though it was a Monday, I felt happy because the sun shone and I got loads done. The highlight was hanging my washing out – which I know makes me sound really sad, but I can remember the first time I hung laundry outside last year, and the year before. It’s become something special, though obviously minor, and I think I must see it as the end of winter.

I’m glad I got two loads washed and dried yesterday because today is HORRID.

Not having bedroom curtains means I get no anticipation when I awake as to what the day might bring (and no, I’m not organised enough to listen to the weather report the night before!). Today I opened my eyes and groaned. Grey. Bleak. And wet. In fact it hasn’t stopped raining yet, and it’s lunchtime already.

Then P came in our room. Guess what? Oh don’t bother. I’ve had my one day without children at home this week, what did I expect? But I must admit it hit me worse than usual and I wasn’t a very kind and understanding mom. After feeling so positive yesterday, it felt like I was being smothered, like someone had put a bag over my head and had started laughing at me.

I’m tired of it. Really tired. And I hate it when I feel like this. I have a voice inside that often tells me how lucky I am, reminding me that these are the sweetest days of my life. Well, today, if that voice dares to utter a bloody word, I swear I’ll kick it into next week! I don’t think I’d be so irritated if P was properly ill, with temperature and actually being sick, but with all the bugs around this winter the school is being over cautious, and parents get called immediately if their child so much as pulls a face and say they don’t feel right. So what was the point of pushing it? To start my day, leaving a miserable child at school, only to get a call to pick him up forty minutes later. No bloody point at all.

And I know it’s no one child’s fault. Just the law of averages when you have four. But please, no one tell me it’s my own doing, my mother does that constantly and there comes a time when you want to cry and never admit anything to that person again. Having said that, I have to be grateful today, as she’s taking S swimming.

P’s also getting a rough day with me feeling like this. I refused to cancel my plans, as I had a meeting with the other two moms hosting the birthday party this coming Saturday. We had to sort out the food, who was buying what, and I don’t have enough days left in the week to put it off. So P had to sit in the car with a bowl on his lap for an hour. Then I had to go shopping, because again, there aren’t enough days in the this week to put it off. The poor lad was shivering by the time we got home, and will probably get a cold and be off the rest of the week!

Plus I haven’t got any nicer now we are home. I’ve said no TV and he has to go to bed, though he’s allowed to read – the idea is, he won’t cry wolf unless he really feels awful in future.

So, gone is my positive disposition, and today I feel like a hateful meanie. And a pretty useless one too, after the meeting with the other moms. The food is going to cost me more than I would have liked, as neither of them want to cook anything, just buy it all prepared in fancy packaging with fancy prices. I suppose I can’t complain, as time is probably going to be in short supply this week.

But I feel let down. Like I took a step forward, but today got pushed back two.

I know none of it matters in the big picture, but I also keep thinking about this job I’m supposed to be looking for, and feel like the idea is just a joke. We need the money, but who in their right mind would employ me? Would I ever make it into work? Which leaves a job from home. Create my own so-to-speak, because let’s face it, without any qualifications I can’t compete against the army of career mothers who’s also like to do this.

So what am I good at? Not a lot (work-wise speaking ;o)). Accounts are what I used to do. Manual, would you believe?! Can cope with some basic accounts packages, but again, I’m not exactly a catch. The BH thinks I should consider teaching other mothers how to use the internet, and I guess I could do that. Except. The idea of having strangers look at me and ask questions fills me with terror, even just a couple, even in my own home. There are some things I’d like to learn more about, such as web design, or cake decorating, and the Open University has some excellent science courses I’d love to do. But science won’t get me a job around here or at home, and making birthday cakes from home probably comes with strict health and hygiene rules (like no dog at your feet!). I suppose I could try and do some child care courses, like the nursery teachers suggested, and maybe taken in other peoples children while they work. But honestly, I have no enthusiasm and want to get away from kids occasionally. And anyway, courses cost money, which if we had, I wouldn’t need to do the course in the first place!

I though typing this out might provide me with a solution (hey, it happens sometimes!) but instead I’m feeling stuck within the vicious circle.

You see what happens when it rains all morning? I turn into a right miserable mare! I think I’d better go bake something, or continue on with sewing the bedroom curtains. What I should really do is tidy the girls’ bedroom, but BLAH to that! Maybe I’ll make lunch, and then have another cup of tea and catch up with some of you. Hey, you’d better be cheery today! I need it!!


Blogger Daisy Mae said...

Well I don't know about being cheery but I did wake up this morning to sunshine pouring through the bedroom window and I had a faint notion that spring was in the air. Then I come downstairs and look out the picture window and see there is frost covering the cars and it is cold as hell. But I still feel like spring may be just around the corner and I feel hopeful.

Okay, that's enough cheery for me.

Sounds like you are getting cabin fever even though you aren't stuck in the cabin. When I went back into the workplace (with 3 kids) I started off with a part time position. And I found that many companies have flex time now which allow you to work from home when emergencies arise. Don't give up hope yet!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 1:29:00 pm  
Blogger Amanda Matilda said...

I've had exactly the same kind of day. For the past three months. Let me know if you find a way out and I'll do the same for you.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 4:47:00 pm  
Blogger Karen said...

I'm sorry you feel such a let down, I don't think it's your fault, not at all. The point is, some progress was made and even though there was some digression, doesn't mean that there won't be progress in the future. Hang in there, take one day, or even one hour at a time. *hugs*

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 5:32:00 pm  
Blogger Tim-tambolini said...

Being of an entrepreneurial nature I really think that you CAN create a small business from home! You have so many talents, and I don't even know you. You can write, bake, sew like nobody's business, and you are an excellent mother! I think you should look into the rules and regulations to that cake decorating idea. I'm sure it's not as strict as you might think. Or how about custom making costumes for children...I think you'd be awesome at that! And I don't know what the rules are in your country for looking after children, but I don't think there's any rules involved...if someone agrees to pay you to look after their children and you negotiate the services to be provided then all is well. I mean, seriously, if people know you and how well you do with your own children then word-of-mouth will provide you a few extra kids. You know, as well as I do, that other people's children are often more well behaved when their parents aren't around, so I'm sure it won't be as trying as your own children can be.

Other than those ideas, you could start your own eBay business selling unwanted household items that you don't need, again, children's costumes, quilt squares, or things that you find on sale for really cheap that people across the sea cannot find in their local area. You need to go by a book about creating a small business from your home. You seem to have loads of energy and are very creative.

Do something for you! I think you would love it!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006 7:14:00 pm  
Blogger Southern Sweetheart said...

Hey lady. Sorry to hear you're down in the spirit today. I do have a suggestion for your job dilema -- how about cleaning houses for all those women who go to work? You seem to be pretty quick at it in your place and it's not a job you would have to be at at a certain every day and you would have the flexibility to come and go - in case you needed to - for the kids, etc. Anyway - just a thought.... :) Hope your day gets better lady!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 1:32:00 am  
Blogger Southern Sweetheart said...

**meant to say "certain time" up there...sorry

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 1:33:00 am  
Blogger g said...

I know what you mean about hanging out the wash. I just love to have the sun dry the clothes and it's so sweet to welcome the spring again. Too bad about the grey bleak day that followed.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 2:26:00 am  
Blogger MarkD60 said...

Hope you feel better Jona! I hate it when I have days like that.
Rapid weather changes are a sign that spring is coming!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 11:10:00 am  
Blogger Sam said...

It's pouring rain here too.
I know how you feel. That's why I started to write. I had to do Something - and with small kids at home, (plus we travelled so much) it was out of the question getting a steady job. I wrote some articles for magazines and just kept sending them in until I started to get published. I also did freelance artwork for whoever needed it, tutored kids who needed extra help in English, and even worked as a groom to make ends meet. I started writing fiction when the twins were in nursery school, and sold some short stories. Novels followed. Anyway, I think I'm trying to say just work with what you have and don't feel bad about not being the 'bread-winner' - it's hard enough raising kids and keeping house - just doing that is an exhausting, demanding, exacting job.
If you can sew that's a huge plus - my MIL makes pocket money sewing things for her neighbors - and she also tutors kids. A sewing class is something you might consider - or just advertising seamstress work. Contact a local school uniform store (for private schools) - my step mother owns one in NY and every year she has to look for people to do the school uniforms because they always need altering.
Hugs and Good Luck!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 2:09:00 pm  
Blogger rdl said...

I hate days like that. Sounds like maybe you need to learn how to say No sometimes - to those mothers and the schools looking for help; you have enof on yr. plate.
What about sewing (like window treatments)? but maybe you do need something out of the house, some time with grown-ups.
and you're not a mean mom, I don't let my son stay home unless he has a temperature and I have gotten those calls to come pick him up.
Hope you're having a better one today. wish you lived here, we could have a ladies night out.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 5:53:00 pm  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

There once was a detective named Sherlot who...

No, wait, you've heard that one.

There once was a butler named Francois, who....

Oh, damn, that one too?

Ok. There once was a concubine named Ol' Easy, who...

Oh, you've heard it? About how the dwarf said "hoo boy, johnson speaks and..." You have, huh?

Maybe I'll come back later....

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 6:46:00 pm  
Blogger No_Newz said...

There once was a Bl*gger named Hoss... no, you know how that one goes. ;)

I hope tomorrow finds you loaded with sun and a house sans son. :D
Working from home is a bitch. Don't try that at home. Really. You still have the kids, housework, in and out of all the neighborhood kids, plus bills, lawn care, pet care topped off with a paying job.
I swear on everything holy, working away from home is the best bet. I know you have skillz gurl, you gots ta find them.
Lois Lane

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 7:55:00 pm  
Blogger FTS said...

*Drops off a LARGE box of chocolate and leaves quietly...*

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 9:59:00 pm  
Blogger Tim-tambolini said...

I sent you an email, Jona, but it's been delayed for some reason. It'll get to you soon.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 10:01:00 pm  
Blogger oopseedaisee said...

Motherhood can be a drain at times (alot of the time!). Somehow, spouting off about it is theraputic. Not to dwell on the negative, but for someone to acknowledge that you give up being "ME" for these children, and does anyone appreciate the sacrifice? Nobody wants to sound like a martyr, but it sure would be nice to have some acknowledgement of what we give for our families. I have had many a day, where I have thought "I should have just stuck to raising dogs!". Some one told me once that your children dont fully appreciate what you have done for them, untill they have children of their own.
Spring is just around the corner, brighter weather always makes things a little more cheery!

Thursday, March 09, 2006 2:07:00 am  

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