That sinking feeling

I don’t think I’m a hard person to please. Of course I could be wrong, as it’s unlikely hard to please people know they’re hard to please. But give me a drop of sunshine, and something pretty to look at each day, and on the whole I can find some joy.

Yesterday was good day. Even though it was a Monday, I felt happy because the sun shone and I got loads done. The highlight was hanging my washing out – which I know makes me sound really sad, but I can remember the first time I hung laundry outside last year, and the year before. It’s become something special, though obviously minor, and I think I must see it as the end of winter.

I’m glad I got two loads washed and dried yesterday because today is HORRID.

Not having bedroom curtains means I get no anticipation when I awake as to what the day might bring (and no, I’m not organised enough to listen to the weather report the night before!). Today I opened my eyes and groaned. Grey. Bleak. And wet. In fact it hasn’t stopped raining yet, and it’s lunchtime already.

Then P came in our room. Guess what? Oh don’t bother. I’ve had my one day without children at home this week, what did I expect? But I must admit it hit me worse than usual and I wasn’t a very kind and understanding mom. After feeling so positive yesterday, it felt like I was being smothered, like someone had put a bag over my head and had started laughing at me.

I’m tired of it. Really tired. And I hate it when I feel like this. I have a voice inside that often tells me how lucky I am, reminding me that these are the sweetest days of my life. Well, today, if that voice dares to utter a bloody word, I swear I’ll kick it into next week! I don’t think I’d be so irritated if P was properly ill, with temperature and actually being sick, but with all the bugs around this winter the school is being over cautious, and parents get called immediately if their child so much as pulls a face and say they don’t feel right. So what was the point of pushing it? To start my day, leaving a miserable child at school, only to get a call to pick him up forty minutes later. No bloody point at all.

And I know it’s no one child’s fault. Just the law of averages when you have four. But please, no one tell me it’s my own doing, my mother does that constantly and there comes a time when you want to cry and never admit anything to that person again. Having said that, I have to be grateful today, as she’s taking S swimming.

P’s also getting a rough day with me feeling like this. I refused to cancel my plans, as I had a meeting with the other two moms hosting the birthday party this coming Saturday. We had to sort out the food, who was buying what, and I don’t have enough days left in the week to put it off. So P had to sit in the car with a bowl on his lap for an hour. Then I had to go shopping, because again, there aren’t enough days in the this week to put it off. The poor lad was shivering by the time we got home, and will probably get a cold and be off the rest of the week!

Plus I haven’t got any nicer now we are home. I’ve said no TV and he has to go to bed, though he’s allowed to read – the idea is, he won’t cry wolf unless he really feels awful in future.

So, gone is my positive disposition, and today I feel like a hateful meanie. And a pretty useless one too, after the meeting with the other moms. The food is going to cost me more than I would have liked, as neither of them want to cook anything, just buy it all prepared in fancy packaging with fancy prices. I suppose I can’t complain, as time is probably going to be in short supply this week.

But I feel let down. Like I took a step forward, but today got pushed back two.

I know none of it matters in the big picture, but I also keep thinking about this job I’m supposed to be looking for, and feel like the idea is just a joke. We need the money, but who in their right mind would employ me? Would I ever make it into work? Which leaves a job from home. Create my own so-to-speak, because let’s face it, without any qualifications I can’t compete against the army of career mothers who’s also like to do this.

So what am I good at? Not a lot (work-wise speaking ;o)). Accounts are what I used to do. Manual, would you believe?! Can cope with some basic accounts packages, but again, I’m not exactly a catch. The BH thinks I should consider teaching other mothers how to use the internet, and I guess I could do that. Except. The idea of having strangers look at me and ask questions fills me with terror, even just a couple, even in my own home. There are some things I’d like to learn more about, such as web design, or cake decorating, and the Open University has some excellent science courses I’d love to do. But science won’t get me a job around here or at home, and making birthday cakes from home probably comes with strict health and hygiene rules (like no dog at your feet!). I suppose I could try and do some child care courses, like the nursery teachers suggested, and maybe taken in other peoples children while they work. But honestly, I have no enthusiasm and want to get away from kids occasionally. And anyway, courses cost money, which if we had, I wouldn’t need to do the course in the first place!

I though typing this out might provide me with a solution (hey, it happens sometimes!) but instead I’m feeling stuck within the vicious circle.

You see what happens when it rains all morning? I turn into a right miserable mare! I think I’d better go bake something, or continue on with sewing the bedroom curtains. What I should really do is tidy the girls’ bedroom, but BLAH to that! Maybe I’ll make lunch, and then have another cup of tea and catch up with some of you. Hey, you’d better be cheery today! I need it!!