Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I’m trying to smile

After all, it’s Valentine’s Day and I got a card. Even remembered to give one too.

And I planned a sappy post, complete with a picture of the first card I ever received. It was a cute card, hand made by a ten year old boy in my class. Though I nearly died of embarrassment when he gave it to me, in the middle of the hall, with all his mates watching. And laughing. But I kept it, and to this day I smile at the thought of how much work he put into it. In fact, I don’t think anyone has ever put as much work into a Valentines for me since!

But you’ll notice the picture isn’t here. Can’t be bothered. My heart’s not in it.

Today isn’t just Valentine’s, it’s also the day my eldest, R, leaves to go skiing. It’s been planned for months. And I’ve been fine with the idea. Happy for him. Even a little envious. But now it’s today. And I feel sick.

Actually I want to cry (kind of am, but don’t tell anyone because they’ll think I’m an idiot). He’s only away for ten days. But he’s never been away for so long before. And it’s such a long way away. Lucky little sod is off to the UK today, and then Colorado, tomorrow. Half a bloody world away, and too far to get to him if he needs me. In fact even phone calls are going to be difficult with the time difference, and him being out on the slopes all day.

Not that he would need me. Probably won’t. He’d better not, or I swear he’ll never go away again! I’ve made sure he’s got his allergy pills and inhaler, so he doesn’t end up in hospital, like he did last time. (Not that he’ll be seeing any horses. Unless they have sledges like Austria. But I’m not going to start worrying about that, because he knows to stay away from horses. Umm, better remind him at lunchtime.)

I know I’m being silly. And I know when the BH reads this, he’ll end up teasing me for my fretting. I mean, the boy drives us mad half the time, so surely I should be glad of the break? He even managed to annoy me this morning, when I was trying not to cry for heaven’s sake! He walked past his brother and pushed him for some childish petty reason, which only makes sense to an eleven year old. So his brother shouts out, ‘Mom, R just punched me!’ And then R turns around and says, ‘That’s not a punch! Shall I show you a punch?!’

I’m busy spreading jam on toast and trying to smile and be all perky because it’s Valentine’s and because he’s only going for ten days, and say ‘Only if you want to see the door, R!’ I’m annoyed because he made me berate him, when all I really want to do is hug him and tell him to be careful. Which I already did last night.

And part of me thinks back to when I was eleven, by his age I was at boarding school and having to do my own washing (by hand!!). I was always hopping on and off planes by myself. And he’s not even going to be by himself, as he’s travelling with my parents. So what’s the big deal?

I don’t know. I’m just being silly I suppose, and I can’t tell anyone because they’re going to think I’m an idiot. In two weeks time, it’ll feel like he’s never been away, and I’ll be laughing at myself! I hope.

20 Comments:

Blogger Who is this Dave? said...

Just a couple of letters missing (4th and 9th paras) but so what?

Hey, in 20 years you'll look back to today, and wonder where they've all gone to.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 12:33:00 pm  
Blogger Karen said...

You can't help the way you feel but I hope that you feel better with time and that he has a great time. He'll love Colorado, it's gorgeous there. Is he going to Aspen?

Happy Valentine's Day *hugs*

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 2:17:00 pm  
Blogger MarkD60 said...

Nobody thinks you're an idiot!

Happy Valentines Day!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 2:42:00 pm  
Blogger No_Newz said...

Letting a kid grow up is the hardest thing we have to do. Don't feel silly, you are normal. Cry whenever you feel like it. It's your job.
Happy Valentine's Day!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 3:40:00 pm  
Blogger Internet Wombat said...

Don't think of it as loosing a son Jona, more as gaining a 25% reduction in workload.

Unless that is you're taking the opportunity to tidy his room while he's away :-)

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 6:48:00 pm  
Blogger Dorothy said...

Awww...no need to feel bad about having your son go so far away...I'd feel the same way!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 9:40:00 pm  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

This is just good practice for when he goes away for good, sometime down the trail. Buck up.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 11:09:00 pm  
Blogger Meow said...

Never feel bad about feeling sad. They are our children, they are a prat of us. It is like having something amputated when they go away. He will have a great time, you will be so excited when he comes home, there will be lots of stories to share. Keep yourself busy, take care, Meow

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 11:35:00 pm  
Blogger g said...

No you're not being silly. You're just noticing the feelings for both of you.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 11:47:00 pm  
Blogger Tim-tambolini said...

Thank goodness he's with your parents. All will be well and he'll be all the better for the experience. I'm sure he's going to miss you too!

I can't believe you have your very first Valentine. That's so cool!

I got a huge, MONSTEROUS, flower arrangement today. I'm a lucky girl!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 11:58:00 pm  
Blogger rdl said...

I know how you feel; I hate when mine goes away overnight, at least you have 3 more to keep you company.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 1:22:00 am  
Blogger Daisy Mae said...

Happy Valentines Day! I am sorry you are sad about your little one trotting off for 10 days. If my little one were trotting off for 10 days I would be dancing for joy. (I'm lying)

I always wanted to go to boarding school when I was 10 and 11, you are lucky. I think I read too many boarding school books and it sounded so grown-up. You'll have to tell us some boarding school stories sometime.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 3:56:00 am  
Blogger Ivy the Goober said...

Ahhh, good old mixed feelings. Story of my life! Happy Valentine's Day! :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 4:54:00 am  
Blogger Amanda Matilda said...

Good gosh, that is a long way away. But he'll be in good hands. Try not to worry. He'll be talking like me (accent-wise) by the time he gets home.
Kristy

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 6:02:00 am  
Blogger Southern Sweetheart said...

I don't think you're an idiot lady. Nope. Not at all. I can't imagine what it's like to have a child and have them gone for that many days at a time -- but when he returns you'll be happy that you allowed him to go and to experience it and it will be over and he'll be home before you know it........and until then, you've got us -- and yeah I know that's not the same but we're still here for you. :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 6:22:00 am  
Blogger mm said...

Wow! What a great trip. Lucky kid. Poor mom - I'd be fretting too.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 11:06:00 am  
Blogger Sam said...

I remember last year when my daughter (10) went to Finland for ten days - and I was just miserable - but she had a wonderful time. She write a journal and I read it when she cal e back (have kept it - it's so funny)
((((HUGS))))

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 5:03:00 pm  
Blogger Me Over Here said...

You know, I'm in my mid-twenties, and my mom STILL hates the fact that I'm going to London in May for 2 weeks because her reasoning is the same as yours: "How will I get to you if anything happens to you?"

I think no matter if you're 11 or 20-something, and going away for 10 days or 10 months, mothers will ALWAYS worry--it's their job.

Feel better, he'll be back before you know it!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 6:14:00 pm  
Blogger GreenishLady said...

You are giving him a great gift in letting him go out to see the world, even though it is hard to let them go.

Umm... have you abandoned your 365 blog? Miss you. Had to come all the way over here to see where you'd got to!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 7:40:00 pm  
Blogger Susan said...

I came here looking for you, too. I can't imagine feeling other than blue in your situation. But it will turn out well, I'm sure.

Daisy Mae, I was in boarding school at 10 and 11. I'm trying to think of what might have been grown-up about it...so far I haven't come up with anything. :-)

Thursday, February 16, 2006 12:39:00 am  

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