I’ve been thinking about posting…

And there has been lots to post about. I’ve no longer got long hair, or can call myself a blond. Ryker is still with us, and for one brief day the sun shone, and we enjoyed a nice walk. In fact on several occasions I planned to tell you how much better he’s been! But then, things keep changing so quickly, and I lose the moments of hope before I’ve had the chance.

By Friday I had pretty much cried myself out, which was a good thing as a job interview fell into my lap somewhat suddenly. Ironically it was the days I was crying the hardest, which I felt the most optimism that Ryker might recover. I think I’m beginning to accept it isn’t going to happen.

And I think I’m also starting to understand why so many people have suggested moving things along. It’s hard watching him die. Most of the time I can look at him, and though you can see his skinniness, I can imagine him jumping up and being the dog he was. But then he has a bad moment, when he stumbles or gets the shakes, and the panic wells up. Not sure if the panic is from the thought it will soon be over, or that it won’t be.

And it doesn’t seem right that things can be happening so fast. But maybe that’s the positive bit I’m always trying to find. I’ll let you know if and when it feels like it.

Anyway. As you can see, my thoughts are still consumed and I’m a laugh a minute. Just what you wanted to read about on your lazy Sunday afternoon! I’m assuming it’s lazy simply because you’re reading this, but then maybe it’s mid Wednesday morning for you now, and you’re at work procrastinating.

What am I waffling about?! Oh yes, I’m having a lazy afternoon. But I’m allowed as I’ve finished my annual filing weekend (phew!!), and it’s Mother’s Day. I got some lovely cards, beautiful flowers and a tea-bag (peach and passion-flower). I’ve also been a good daughter and visited my mom bearing chocolates and card. Did have hopes of a family walk this afternoon, but it’s been raining for hours.

The clocks also changed today, we lost an hour. First time in years the day hasn’t felt squiffy! I suppose that’s what you get for being exhausted. Which I am.

I can’t relax. Too much on my mind.

I got a job. I think I’m pleased. I’m not being positive enough, it’s a good job, better than I hoped for, and I am pleased!

And I’m definitely terrified. Quite why is a complicated business, though I’m thinking I’ll try and make sense of it here, as I find this place helps. (Don’t worry - another day! Though I’m wondering if I should be adding something at the end of that sentence, but then, I figure a lot of you will understand ;o))

Thankfully I don’t start for another month, so there’ll be time for talk, and probably tears, before I have to face that hurdle.