Sunday, March 26, 2006

I’ve been thinking about posting…



And there has been lots to post about. I’ve no longer got long hair, or can call myself a blond. Ryker is still with us, and for one brief day the sun shone, and we enjoyed a nice walk. In fact on several occasions I planned to tell you how much better he’s been! But then, things keep changing so quickly, and I lose the moments of hope before I’ve had the chance.

By Friday I had pretty much cried myself out, which was a good thing as a job interview fell into my lap somewhat suddenly. Ironically it was the days I was crying the hardest, which I felt the most optimism that Ryker might recover. I think I’m beginning to accept it isn’t going to happen.

And I think I’m also starting to understand why so many people have suggested moving things along. It’s hard watching him die. Most of the time I can look at him, and though you can see his skinniness, I can imagine him jumping up and being the dog he was. But then he has a bad moment, when he stumbles or gets the shakes, and the panic wells up. Not sure if the panic is from the thought it will soon be over, or that it won’t be.

And it doesn’t seem right that things can be happening so fast. But maybe that’s the positive bit I’m always trying to find. I’ll let you know if and when it feels like it.

Anyway. As you can see, my thoughts are still consumed and I’m a laugh a minute. Just what you wanted to read about on your lazy Sunday afternoon! I’m assuming it’s lazy simply because you’re reading this, but then maybe it’s mid Wednesday morning for you now, and you’re at work procrastinating.

What am I waffling about?! Oh yes, I’m having a lazy afternoon. But I’m allowed as I’ve finished my annual filing weekend (phew!!), and it’s Mother’s Day. I got some lovely cards, beautiful flowers and a tea-bag (peach and passion-flower). I’ve also been a good daughter and visited my mom bearing chocolates and card. Did have hopes of a family walk this afternoon, but it’s been raining for hours.

The clocks also changed today, we lost an hour. First time in years the day hasn’t felt squiffy! I suppose that’s what you get for being exhausted. Which I am.

I can’t relax. Too much on my mind.

I got a job. I think I’m pleased. I’m not being positive enough, it’s a good job, better than I hoped for, and I am pleased!

And I’m definitely terrified. Quite why is a complicated business, though I’m thinking I’ll try and make sense of it here, as I find this place helps. (Don’t worry - another day! Though I’m wondering if I should be adding something at the end of that sentence, but then, I figure a lot of you will understand ;o))

Thankfully I don’t start for another month, so there’ll be time for talk, and probably tears, before I have to face that hurdle.

14 Comments:

Blogger Tim-tambolini said...

I'm so glad to see you post because I've been wondering (and worrying) about you. It's difficult to say "keep your spirits up" and all that when I feel that maybe you want to be in the state that your in currently. I find that sometimes I need to be blue for a while to gain perspective on life. But, as you say, there are positives in all your negatives, you just have to look for them.

I'm sure you'll adjust to your haircut soon enough. Ryker's picture you posted is beautiful...nice looking dog, poor boy, you'll know the right thing to do.

I can't wait to hear all about your new job and am curious how many hours a week you're going to be working, and if you'll be getting help with the household responsibilites once you start.

Happy Mother's Day (ours isn't until May).

Sunday, March 26, 2006 3:53:00 pm  
Blogger Amanda Matilda said...

Lovely pictures. I envy your blue sky. Will you be telling us what the job is???
Kristy

Sunday, March 26, 2006 4:47:00 pm  
Blogger Daisy Mae said...

Congrats on the new job!!!

I have to tell you, so many people, including myself, were in a blue mood last week, especially Thursday. So I am declaring last week as offical Blue Mood Week and moving on.

Ryker's a cutie. When it happens you need to remember that he will be better off.

Sunday, March 26, 2006 5:38:00 pm  
Blogger Who is this Dave? said...

What tim-tabolini said.

(Oh, and purely for information, actually the Mothers Day she speaks about is Mothers day - it's a 20th Century American invention. Today, the 4th Sunday of Lent, is Mothering Sunday, which dates back to at least the 17th century).

Sunday, March 26, 2006 6:04:00 pm  
Blogger Huw said...

Get Ryker the biggest bone you can find - a horse leg or something...

Sunday, March 26, 2006 7:08:00 pm  
Blogger Lita said...

Congratulations on the job. I hope it is something you will enjoy. You will have to tell us about it.

Monday, March 27, 2006 12:30:00 am  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Hugs, Debi, just plain ol' hugs.

Monday, March 27, 2006 2:03:00 am  
Blogger rdl said...

Ryker looks very handsome, he reminds me of my Sam, who we had to put down 2 yrs. ago on St. Patricks day. It's a very difficult thing to go thru(prob. one of the hardest things i ever did); but you will know when it is time.

Monday, March 27, 2006 2:55:00 am  
Blogger Southern Sweetheart said...

I hate to see that Ryker's health is fading - his picture is so pretty. He's a beautiful dog and like others here - you'll know what to do.

Congrats on the new job - be sure to tell us all about when you start it.

Monday, March 27, 2006 5:28:00 am  
Blogger Karen said...

Congratulations on the job :-)

I'm so sorry about Ryker, he looks like such a wonderful dog. *BIG HUGS* Not only a good friend but a part of the family.

Monday, March 27, 2006 11:40:00 am  
Blogger Sam said...

Poor Ryker *sniff*
He looks like such a sweetie.
We had a yellow lab once. Then we got a black one, and then a chocolate one (the one we have now) And all were adorable. What a nice breed. Our new dachshund is a riot though - so much personality - I can practically hear his thoughts.

And mother's day??? Eep. Forgot it again. It's not for another 2 weeks here, I don't thing.

Monday, March 27, 2006 3:38:00 pm  
Blogger Meow said...

Congratulations on the new job. Don't worry, you'll be great at it. What is it, by the way ??
Sorry to hear Ryker is deteriorating. I know how hard that is, and how you must be feeling. Don't be afraid to cry ... he has been a big part of your life. His photo is stunning, what a handsome boy.
Hope your week goes well. Take care, Meow

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 12:30:00 am  
Blogger Anduin said...

Well, I'm sad to hear about Ryker. I know how special a dog is. I miss mine terribly because he was such a good dog and loved me very much. Before I had to let him go I spoiled him with all of the things that he enjoyed like bones, cookies, a walk to his favorite grassy spot where I let him roll around on his back. Ryker will always be a part of you. He's family.

Congrats on the job. I really hope you'll love it and enjoy doing it. I look forward to hearing more about it.

Happy Mother's Day too. ;o)

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 6:30:00 am  
Blogger No_Newz said...

Happy Mother's Day! I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. Ryker is obviously much loved.
Lois Lane

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 5:29:00 pm  

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