Thursday, October 20, 2005


I’ve been wondering if I have too much time to on my hands. I know that must sound strange, as I’m often complaining I don’t have a moment to myself, but over the last few days I’ve been realising that’s not true. There’s always plenty needing to be done, and I always tend to be doing something. But it’s all so automatic.

I drive my car, tidy the house, fold the laundry and a million other things, but my mind isn’t really there. Even when I’m sitting with the kids, they’re old enough to carry conversations and games on around me, and a lot of the time my thoughts wander.

A few years ago it was day-dreams I drifted with, and they kind of had a purpose as when I could, I would escape and write my stories. But I don’t write anymore, and the dreams have been replaced with questions and revelations. Unfortunately they rarely seem to do me good.

You’re probably thinking this is a result of being stuck in the house with the kids yesterday – but in truth, I enjoyed it! Not the constant demand for drinks, medicine, food, videos and foot rubs (that’s S, and she wasn’t even poorly!), but out of the majority of the people in my life, it’s my kids I like the most.

Yesterday I watched them and wondered whether they like me. I think P does most of the time, because he tells me how much he dislikes everyone else and when he’s cross with me, I get relegated to that group too. And S seems to, maybe not as much as she adores her father, but when he’s not around I get her kisses. J I’m not so sure of, but I don’t think she dislikes me, it just that she’s four going on forty and I’ve made choices she’s already decided against (like marriage and kids). And R would probably like the mother he had before all the rest came along.

And does it really matter whether they like me? They love me, and it’s not my job to be their best pal at this point in their lives. It shouldn’t matter, but still I find myself worrying what sort of relationships we shall end up with.

I suppose I should mention what has brought my fretting on. It was partly because a comment yesterday, but mostly after I spoke with my father this morning.

I’m smiling now, because I would bet a hefty sum it has never mattered to my father whether I like him or not. And I do love him. But I wish he would make some sort of fucking effort to make it easy.

As I was being lectured about how I know and understand dip-shit about anything, I held my tongue (as usual) and wondered if I had ever made him proud. I’d guess that I’ve made him happy, because I’ve always done as I was told. Except that’s not entirely true. If it’d been up to him, my BH wouldn’t be my BH, and we wouldn’t have four children.

I just wish… I don’t know. I just hope I’m not like him. And that’s an awful thing to say, because he has given me so much.

Confused? Yes, I’m very. So what's new.


Blogger Rae said...

I can relate to what you are feeling. When we have husbands and families time can be the most fleeting and yet the most abundant. As I become older I see myself more as others do and I try to be the person I want to be. My father was similar to yours and when I see him in myself I do a complete 180 degree turn! Keep moving forward, you're alright.

Thursday, October 20, 2005 1:36:00 pm  
Blogger Me Over Here said...

There have been countless times when I thought "I'm NOT going to be the kind of mother that MINE is. I'm going to UNDERSTAND my children!" And then I laugh to myself when I realize that she's always right. Mom's just always are.

I can't say I know how you're feeling because I have quite a ways to go before I'm a wife, let alone a mother. But it sounds to me (because I know you *so* well), like you're a fine mom and wife.

And those are my thoughts.

Thursday, October 20, 2005 1:48:00 pm  
Blogger Anduin said...

I know what you are saying about your dad, whether you've ever made him proud. I'm sure he is, but he may never be able to tell you. I have no idea how mine feels about me. We don't talk and I doubt if he'll ever in his lifetime tell me how he feels about me.

Thursday, October 20, 2005 3:17:00 pm  
Blogger Anduin said...

P.S. Hope you and your family are feeling better. Sounds like you got some quality time yesterday while in.

Thursday, October 20, 2005 3:18:00 pm  
Blogger mm said...

My kids are a tag-team. They never seem to both like me at the same time, but luckily, they don't both hate me at the same time, either.

Thursday, October 20, 2005 4:20:00 pm  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

My son has already learned that "I hate you" doesn't work -- far more effective to vocalize one's suicidal ideation. That creeps us out more than anything, since Karen and I are both inclined to take it seriously.

Fortunately, we haven't had any fights like that for a long time.

As for your father, I've long been of the opinion that our parents don't deserve our respect just because they are our parents. Respect must be earned, with parents as with anyone else in our lives. If he's belittling or hurtful, and if he does that a lot, he would lose my support rapidly.

Thursday, October 20, 2005 5:15:00 pm  
Blogger Me Over Here said...

Hey Debi...was it my comment that got you fretting so? If so, I'm terribly sorry! Didn't mean to do that! That's mostly how I see MY kids coming along...

Thursday, October 20, 2005 7:46:00 pm  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

That's too bad, Debi. But don't worry about. He will figure it out when he needs you in his dotage. Then he will say, "You know, you turned out damned good."

Thursday, October 20, 2005 11:52:00 pm  
Blogger Jona said...

Thank you for your thoughts and words everyone. But I’m still learning I really shouldn’t post when I’m in the midst of a low moment ;o)

And Lynette – Your comment got me thinking about whether my *children* like me, and that’s a good thing for parents to consider! So thank you :o) and don’t be apologising!

Friday, October 21, 2005 8:44:00 am  

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