Wednesday, August 24, 2005


What does it matter if the house is a mess? Who said we had to eat at six each night? Does it matter if the lawn’s not mowed? Should I be bothered that the house isn’t finished? And do I care if it takes another three years? What was I planning to do with my time in three years anyway?

Since becoming the New Improved RELAXED Me (it’s two weeks now, excepting a few moments, like when I woke today) I discovered I don’t care about much. And I like it.

At first the knowledge that my BH would soon be back at work and the school runs are shortly to resume, worried me because I’m aware my new state (probably) won’t last long when confronted by term time reality. But even that’s okay. I have today. And here and now I feel dreamy*.

This could of course be down to lack of sleep. But strangely even the tiredness isn't bothersome (and it DOES help with drowning out the noise of the children). Though I wouldn’t be adverse to a lie in, or night off from the nightmares and bedwetting.

The bedwetting isn’t me, by the way! And the nightmares we all share (excepting the BH). I’ve always suffered from them, but as I rarely remember, I don’t care. But I wish the children didn’t get them. It’s such a job to wake them, and they cling to me so. Can such a thing be inherited? I haven’t heard of it but am sure it must, as barring J and her fridge escapade, none of them have any cause for their unpleasant dreams.

My nightmares used to bother my BH a lot. And I really should have mentioned them before we went travelling and he found out the hard way. On a bus. I caused quite a scene on that occasion, and the driver stopped and insisted he talk alone with me. But I guess I’d be suspicious too, if a girl stood up on a dark, sleeping bus and screamed ‘Please somebody help me!’ Every hostel we stayed at the BH used to warn the roommates of my night terrors. Umm, I'm sure a few people won't forget me.

I still haven’t made any great changes in my life. I do want to, and I know I’m ruining any hope of getting on courses by doing nothing before the academic year begins. But that’s alright too. Another year then they’ll all be in school and the lunch run will stop. And maybe I should focus on the house first. But as I’m not worrying about that right now…

I’m thinking about writing again. But I’m still nervous, so I’ll wait until the weather chills and the urge has become desperation. Have you noticed my weather-pixie today? I think the weather’s turning already and if I could afford to, I’d turn the heating on at night already!

I thought I should write this all down because in two weeks, at this time, I’ll be checking homework and making dinner. There’s no way I’ll be feeling this good, and I might have forgotten I ever did.


* I use the word dreamy too often and am aware of it. But the only other word that sums up my feeling would be mellow, but that makes me sound high, which sadly I’m not. Though I’m still drinking caffeinated tea.


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