I got propositioned (or very nearly)

Each morning after I’ve dropped the boys at school and the girls at nursery, I head to the beach. It is my sanctuary. My slice of heaven. It’s where I remember who I am (and yes, there are times I forget).

This morning my bad tempered, pox ridden two-year-old joined me; or rather didn’t because she refused to get out of the car. This wasn’t a problem ‘coz the car park overlooks the beach, and we had a clear view of each other. Having locked her in, Ryker (my yellow labrador) and I headed off, determined to relax. Before we even reached the steps we had company in the form of a very excitable black lab, whose owner was sitting in his van nattering on his phone.

Ten minutes and quarter of a mile later, I was still walking his dog. And I wouldn’t have minded, except for the fact it attacked a spaniel and the owner had a go at me!

Just as I was explaining that the black dog was nothing to do with me, its owner sauntered up, grinning from ear to ear and started explaining she was a rescue dog and had yet to learn her social graces. The spaniel’s owner and I exchanged glances and I have no doubt that she was thinking the same and me, then she shouldn’t be out on her own!

I started walking back to the car, and didn’t think too much about having Ryker, the black dog, and her owner in tow. But when I diverted to the shoreline to throw some stones for Ryker to swim to, it became obvious this man and his dog weren’t going anywhere.

He told me all about his dog. She’s three. She was rescued two years ago. She’s come second at Crufts. She doesn’t like to swim. She doesn’t attack other dogs unless challenged (he shouted this over his shoulder as he raced to separate her from an irate alsatian). She has a long pedigree.

It’s at this point I remembered who I am. I’m the woman who attracts lonely souls and weirdos. Seriously, this is a problem. People come up to me in the supermarket and start talking as though they know me. One woman was convinced her tongue was getting larger by the second and she would choke any minute (it didn’t and I handed her over to the manager). A stranger I passed in the street screamed obscenities at me, because I didn’t say hello; his girlfriend looked surprised at his outburst too. There’s also a drunk I now know quite well, as he likes to accompany me around the shops.

Anyway, back to the dog walker. As I assured myself he seemed to be of the lonely souls brigade, he asked if I’d ever considered mating.

It took me a full three seconds to collect my wits and explain that Ryker’s been done.