Friday, October 12, 2012

the slow changes...

Today has been - yet another - stressful day. The BH has taken today and Monday off, to talk, to try and sort out what we are doing and how will do it. Even after hours of talking, I am not sure where we are. I am not sure how well we understand each other anymore.

I will say, I still like the BH. There is a lot to respect about him. And even when we are dissecting our marriage and trying to decide a future, he always treats me with complete respect and never resorts to snide or cheap comments. I know everyone should be like that ideally, but I also know few are.

I am not sure I could ever find that quality in another after so much has gone wrong between us.

Over and over I wonder if I am being naive in what I want from a marriage. When I married the BH 20 years ago, I was soooo in love with him, it was my dream come true, even though we'd been dating 5 years by then. But at some point I realised he may love me, but... I was really just one of several options. A calculated choice. Albeit the best one on offer at that time.

 I want to be more than that. I want to be someone's *everything* and I want them to be mine.

Course the problem now comes, that I don't know if it will ever be possible for me to fall in love with the BH again, as it's been so long since I felt like that. And whether he will ever be able to feel that way towards me if he hasn't already.

Another thing that plays on my mind is my fear, of being alone. I am a coward, who's middle aged, and tired of life - hardly a very attractive prospect. So if we try yet again, will I be trying for the right reasons?

And no one has ever loved me for being me, 'cept my kids, and so maybe the real me is unlovable. Which leads all the way back to.... will I ever find what it is I think I need? Or am I being a fool, and should simply be grateful for what I have?

Actually even I know the answer to that, and have tried. I can't do it; I mean I can for a few days, fake it for the people around me, but I can't keep it up. And I pay for it with bouts of self hatred and loathing of life that consume me.

I realise someone might read this and imagine I am suffering from depression. I can assure you, I am not. I am simply unhappy, there is a difference. In fact I have been to 3 Drs, who have all told me the same thing - I am too rational for depression, and having a reason for my unhappiness means happy pills won't have the desired happy effect. (That didn't stop one Dr from giving them to me, but they made things too clear. And when I saw the 2nd Dr and told him my thoughts, he advised I get off pills immediately. For which I am glad, as I have never liked myself on them.)

 One 'amusing' thing did occur to me tonight though... 10 years ago I wrote a book, a very long drawn out thing, that took nearly two years to write, and only I have read. It's about a woman looking for the same thing, but set in the future, where marriage and love are two separate entities, and therefore even harder to find for a foolish romantic like her.

When I wrote that book, I was happy. The story set up was almost 'alien' to me. But now I am wondering.... maybe I felt what was coming? Or maybe, I loved her character so much, I have adopted her foolishness?

ummm... funny thoughts to keep my mind busy I guess... 'cos I don't have enough crap in it already!


Blogger Page Turner said...

First, I'm glad you are blogging again...I do believe it to be therapudic and really need to get back to it myself.

On your topic...I have often felt that I was unloveable, but that simply is not true...nor is it true for you. Finding another human being the loves you like you want to be loved is a long, painstaking process that NO ONE seems to want to go through. People seem so anxious to marry that the whole idea of love and being in love with one another seems to be lost because people just want to 'belong' or conform to something. I'm not critisizing you for your choices, but I am noticing quite a bit lately that some women opt for marriage and appear to give up who they really are as a result.

Myself, I have bounced around from relationship to relationship (as I'm sure you're aware), and have taken my 'lumps' while doing so, but one thing is for certain, I have remained optimistic that I would, someday, find someone. I had really given up on the whole thing in 2009 when I got married simply for the sake of saying I'd done it, but after only a year I realized that I didn't want the person I married as much as he wanted me and no amount of adjusting myself was going to make either of us happy.

Don't be afraid of being alone, are like buses afterall, there will be another along in a few minutes, and even if he isn't headed to your hopeful destination, the trip may be fun and enlightening anyway. The further you travel away from your comfort zone, the less you will be afraid and will embrace the journey.

However, not knowing what 20 years of marriage is all about, with several children, I'm sure there are other things to weigh. All I can say is, you only live once, and you must do what makes you happy and satisfied. You ARE more than a housewife and mother...and I can tell that from across the sea.

Thursday, October 18, 2012 2:53:00 pm  

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