Thursday, October 11, 2012

Starting over....

I removed this blog for a while, as I kinda figured my posts had become too personal - having always used this place as a sort of diary, and I think I posted too many of my private thoughts. Not that I posted a lot ;)

Now, I have simply made the private posts 'drafts' available just for me, although this post is kinda private too, a sort of explanation, yet again more to myself than anyone reading. But if anyone does still read here, they too may wonder where the chirpy housewife went...... and the answer is : Hell.

All my problems began with this blog. I know that because last weekend whilst the BH and I waded through what conversations we can manage on our way to separation , we talked honestly about how we felt about the mistakes each of us had made.

Now I still feel I was entitled to my own space, to do my own thing, and that choosing to do so was not a reflection of how I felt about him, just that I had spent so many years being nothing but a wife and mother, I needed my own place.

He felt otherwise.

And even after discussing it at length, the only thing we can agree on, is that this blog was the start of the end of our marriage. Me for keeping it from him. Him for spying on me and finding it.

Strangely it wasn't until I had almost entirely stopped posting that *I* started to go catastrophically wrong. Maybe it was because I had become so used to typing my thoughts and feelings out, that when I stopped, they all sat inside me, waiting to cause the inevitable implosion.

And wow did that implosion come. The decisions and choices I have made over the past 3 years have been appalling and done nothing but cause my own misery.

But even knowing that, I am not yet able to make anything right. Yet.

The only positive thing I have to say today is, it turns out people I had given up on, really do love me, and some I thought cared for me, definitely don't. And just being able to tell the difference is a worthwhile thing. At least I keep telling myself that.

I have no idea how to make my life right from this point, how to heal, and am still struggling to find the desire to even try to.

But at least I know I can face tomorrow. Which is a new start ;)


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